Is Your Romantic Relationship Based on Conditional Love?

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Experiencing conditional love is the outcome of being taught conditions of worth. If you were taught conditions of worth earlier in your life, what you likely learned is that how you look is more important than how you feel, and that what you do is more important than who you are. Many clients I have worked with over the years who grew up in these types of narcissistic environments also expressed that they did not feel wanted or appreciated by their caregivers unless they were performing, achieving, or accomplishing.

Authoritarian caregiving is a main cause of learning conditions of worth. When things are “good,” you are praised for making your caregiver proud or look good. Yet, if you show human imperfection, you are harshly punished or shamed. These types of excessive demands and unrealistic expectations that may have been placed on you and learned as “normal” can be carried with you as messages of needing to be perfect, high achieving, or self-betraying in order to receive love or to be seen as good enough.

Signs of Conditional Love in Romantic Relationships:

• High levels of passive-aggression
• High levels of indifference if expectations are not met
• People-pleasing behavior
• High levels of manipulation
• Prone to jealousy or attempting to sabotage your accomplishments
• Score-keeping
• Superficial emotional investment
• Constant feelings of needing to perform or achieve for validation
• Increased risk for perfectionism
• Feels like your partner is in competition with you
• Withholding or stonewalling

Romantic relationships based on conditional love can be experienced as “comfortable” and as a natural transition from what may have been introduced earlier in your life. However, conditional love is not love. Several common themes emerge in a person’s adult romantic relationships that mirror their early experiences based on conditions of worth.

A Lack of Healthy Relationships

Growing up with toxic, maladaptive caregiving sets the stage for experiencing similar unhealthy romantic relationships. A common theme is that what was modeled earlier in your life as 'normal' now generalizes into what is imitated in your adult life. If your early relationships lacked authenticity, were based on superficial investment to your basic needs, or taught you to chase after crumbs of validation, these patterns can be mirrored in how your romantic relationships play out. It is not uncommon for a person who grew up in a high-conflict environment to seek out similar toxic, narcissistic, or trauma-bonded relationships (friendly or romantic) later in their lives, especially if these were taught as comfortable and familiar.

Attachment Insecurities

If you experienced excessive parental control, manipulation, shame, indifference, or high demands, these create a dysfunctional foundation for what may be later modeled in your romantic relationships. Many with histories of invalidating early environments also struggle with remaining emotionally present and available in their romantic relationships. On one end, some may struggle with pushing away or avoiding any form of intimacy as threatening to their sense of autonomy; on the other end, some may become excessively anxious and fear being abandoned or rejected.

These polar opposite behaviors are typically the result of early attachment wounding based on invalidating, controlling, or negligent environments where conditions of worth were learned. In romantic relationships, these learned patterns can create high-conflict situations or histories of unsatisfying and emotionally void relationships.

Healing From Conditions of Worth

For your romantic relationships to resonate with authentic connection, trust, and fidelity, you must stop placing excessive demands on yourself that may have been conditioned earlier in your life. Because conditional love implies that a person will only "love" you based on jumping through the hoops they present, it also means that their "love" is intermittently withheld.

Become aware of those in your life, and whether they are providing you a return on your emotional investment. Work on establishing and maintaining solid boundaries for yourself. Recognize that no one is perfect, and no one should be held to unrealistic expectations, including yourself. Speak to a psychologist who specializes in healing from attachment insecurities and can help you foster healthy and secure relationships in your life.

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To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.