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Relationships
Date Nights: What You’re Probably Doing Wrong
Three critical ingredients for a high-quality date night experience.
Posted May 13, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Date nights are critical for the health and happiness of a relationship.
- Couples who spend quality time together report higher emotional and physical intimacy.
- Prioritizing novelty, presence, and consistency in date nights is most beneficial.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's easy for couples to get caught up in routines and responsibilities and push their relationship to the back burner. That's where date nights come in. These special evenings aren't just about dinner and a movie; they're about reconnecting, nurturing intimacy, and keeping the spark alive. It's a chance to step out of the roles of co-parents, roommates, or business partners and lean into being a romantic couple again.
Most couples find the idea of date nights appealing in theory, yet struggle with the planning and logistics. By the time they get to the end of a busy week, take care of all the housework, and find a babysitter, they’re exhausted. There’s no leftover energy to get creative, so they just go out to eat and call it “date night.” This is perfectly fine—but don’t let that be the only quality time you spend together. If you really want to invest in your relationship, you’ll need to put a little more effort in.
Research shows that couples who plan quality time together report higher levels of emotional and physical intimacy. In other words, they not only feel closer and more connected as friends, they feel more chemistry and attraction as lovers. This focused time together allows for relaxation, meaningful conversation, fun activities, and shared humor—a recipe for relational success. However, as we’ve established, not all date nights are equal. To get the most out of them, make sure your date nights check these boxes: novelty, presence, and consistency.
1. Novelty
New experiences activate reward centers in the brain, triggering feelings of excitement and pleasure that can enhance the bonding experience between partners. If you tend to repeat the same two or three date nights over and over, consider intentionally planning something different every month. This will foster a sense of excitement and adventure, and you’ll find yourselves looking forward to it. Step out of your comfort zones, learn new things about each other, and go the extra mile to create special memories.
2. Presence
Being fully engaged and attentive during date nights seems obvious, but it can be surprisingly difficult for couples. Endless external distractions (e.g., cell phones, TV screens, other people) along with internal distractions (e.g., work stressors, grocery lists, marital grievances) result in going through the motions without truly being present. Being mindful of this will allow you to bring your attention back to the moment so you can actively listen, tune into emotions, and genuinely connect with your partner.
3. Consistency
Having a date night once every six months is like going to the gym once every six months—you’re simply not going to see results. Think about date nights like doctor’s appointments; plan them well in advance, make sure you’re prepared, and protect them on your calendar. No individual date night will necessarily make or break your relationship, but the accumulation of many special date nights over time will generate feelings of warmth, romance, and commitment between you and your partner.
Now that you understand the three critical ingredients of high-quality date nights, here are some fun and unique ideas to get you started:
- Comedy show
- Wine or beer tasting
- Salsa dance lesson
- Cooking class
- Woodworking workshop
- Art museum gallery tour
- Game night
- Theater or ballet performance
- Yoga class
- Picnic outdoors
- Live music
- Hike at a metro park
- Magic show
Date nights are more than just a luxury; they're an investment in your relationship. By prioritizing quality time together and exploring new and fun activities, you can rekindle feelings you haven’t felt since the honeymoon phase. You can even invite some friends along from time to time, as research shows that couples who spend time with other happy couples benefit from shared relational experiences. Challenge yourself to pull off one unique date night per month, taking turns doing the planning. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give to your relationship.
References
Atkins, D. C., & Kessel, C. M. (2018). Couples' ratings of session quality and homework compliance in couple therapy: A secondary analysis of data from a randomized clinical trial of couple therapy. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 17(2), 145–161.
Dew, J., & Wilcox, W. B. (2013). If momma ain't happy: Explaining declines in marital satisfaction among new mothers. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75(1), 178–190.
Lin, M., & Peplau, L. A. (2016). Leisure and relationship satisfaction: A mediational path model examining leisure time, leisure satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction in middle-aged adults. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 33(4), 536–557.
Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., & Bacev-Giles, C. (2016). Couples' date night: A relational maintenance intervention. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(8), 2147–2160.
Orbuch, T. L., & Veroff, J. (2012). Relationship duration, leisure goals, and contentment in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(3), 479–489.
