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Relationships
3 Signs of Settling for Less in a Relationship
1. Constantly bending to meet the other's needs.
Posted February 16, 2023 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- When you conform to another's expectations, you neglect your own needs, which can lead to a loss of identity.
- To fulfill each other's needs, both partners must be willing to listen and make an effort to connect.
- A healthy relationship allows both partners to support each other in their personal growth and self-discovery.
Many people come to therapy when they find themselves confused about whether their relationship is meeting their needs and expectations. They ask questions like these:
- “Why am I not happy even though I’m in a relationship?”
- “Why do I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing for the other person?”
- “Why do I feel like I’ve doubted this person from day one?”
- “Why do I feel like I’m losing myself in this relationship?”
It’s important to understand that these feelings are not uncommon and that all relationships have their ups and downs. But how do you know if the juice truly isn’t worth the squeeze?
Here, I’ll discuss three signs that you may be settling for less in your relationship and that no amount of effort is likely to change the underlying dynamic.
1. You are losing yourself trying to please the other person and grab their undivided attention.
Relationship-pleasing can manifest itself in several ways, such as changing your appearance, interests, and even your personality to align with your partner’s preferences. You may have observed this in other people (for example, a close friend who seems to turn into another person when they are around a new significant other), but it’s sometimes harder to spot in ourselves.
When you constantly try to conform to someone else’s expectations of you, you neglect your own wants and needs, which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and a loss of identity.
Losing yourself can cause low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, which impact not only your relationship but also your own mental well-being.
A healthy relationship, on the other hand, is marked by both partners’ maintaining their individuality while also supporting each other in the relationship. Research posits that maintaining a healthy balance between closeness and autonomy within romantic relationships is important for relationship harmony.
In some ways, having a healthy relationship is like having a healthy job. Research suggests that people are happiest in their professional role when they are given the space to exercise autonomy (for instance, choosing how they want to go about getting their tasks done instead of being micromanaged) while also feeling like they belong and don’t need to change who they are.
2. They are not fulfilling your needs.
Relationships are meant to be fulfilling and supportive. When one partner is not meeting the other’s emotional, physical, or mental needs, it can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment in the relationship.
One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the need for relatedness, or feeling connected to others, was most predictive of positive relationship outcomes.
It’s important to understand that fulfilling each other’s needs does not mean that both partners have to be identical or always agree on everything but that both partners are willing to listen and make an effort to connect on an emotional level.
Feelings of neglect and a lack of support can lead to a buildup of negative emotions. In such cases, you may find yourself being passive-aggressive instead of addressing the problem directly.
3. You are compromising your values too often.
When you find yourself regularly making decisions or engaging in behaviors that go against your own moral or ethical code, it is a sign that the relationship may not be aligned with who you are and what you stand for. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or regret, which can erode the foundation of trust and respect in the relationship.
Compromising your values can also cause internal conflict, leading to a sense of disconnection from your own beliefs and a blurred sense of self.
It is important to have a strong sense of self in a relationship and to stand by your values, even if it means facing conflict or challenges. A healthy relationship allows both partners to express themselves and support each other in their personal growth and self-discovery.
Conclusion
Relationships are complicated. If you feel you are headed in a direction that doesn’t align with your instincts or your vision of who you are and who you want to be with, seeking out help from a mental health professional is always advisable.
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