The One Word That Kills Relationships

In my time as a psychotherapist, I was always amazed at how constant, small demands made by one partner on the other ended up producing anger and bitterness and killing the relationship. These demands were often driven by an individual's hidden, unconscious script of how their partner "should" act.

Often, this sounds like the following: "You should know what I want." "You should know what I'm thinking." "You should do it this way." "Don't do that!"

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Oops, now I've done it. I've given away the "one word that kills relationships."

Yes, it's the should word that drives your expectations of how you believe things are supposed to be.

In cognitive behavioral therapy lingo, having a rigid set of "shoulds" is a cognitive distortion or thinking error. As I've told many a client, "Don't should all over yourself." And, in some cases, that can be amended to "Don't should all over others."

What would your life be like if you changed your expectations, lowered them, or even stopped letting them determine how you reacted? Behind expectations there may be lurking a rigid “should” belief or rule about the way things are supposed to be.

And, yet, “shoulds” often make life more difficult, causing us to harshly judge others—not to mention ourselves. By letting go of rigid expectations, you can be more flexible, adaptable, and accepting of what’s out of your control. Even though certain beliefs may have been part of your family system and how you grew up, you can choose to live differently.

To do this is to unlock the jail cell in which you and others are being held prisoner. By using mindfulness, you can become more aware of the shoulds and move away from their harmful effects. Here's an effective and easy practice that can get you started.

Mindfulness Practice for Letting Go of Shoulds and Expectations

1. Name one expectation that gets you upset. Is it when someone doesn’t text you right back, doesn't say “excuse me” after bumping into you, or doesn’t do his or her job as well as you? Or, maybe there’s a personal expectation like getting the best review at work or throwing that perfect “Martha Stewart” party. The list is endless.
2. Make an executive decision to let go of your expectation for an afternoon, an hour, or the entire day. You can always return to it later if you want.
3. Choose to adopt a stance of openness and acceptance toward this expectation. Think of it as your preference instead of a “should.”
4. Ask yourself, “Realistically, what’s the worst thing that could happen in the next five minutes if this expectation is not met?”
5. Respond differently. Choose a behavior that takes you off autopilot and lets you respond in a flexible and adaptable way.
6. Think of one benefit of loosening up on your expectations.

Conclusion

The shoulds you have learned over a lifetime will take time to transform. Be kind to yourself and your practice. The good news? Each time you notice and let go of an expectation, you are freeing yourself and others by being more accepting and open. This practice, which is excerpted from my new book Simply Mindful Resilience, can be used whenever you are too hard on yourself, react negatively too quickly, or need an emotional chilling.