Embracing Vulnerability: How to Let Love In

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Have you noticed that despite really wanting to feel loved, you avoid or outright reject other people’s attempts to show you affection or to comfort you? And, yet, you may even feel rejected. Still, rather than seeking out your partner when you are upset, you might skulk off to hide in your bed. Even you may not fully understand why. But there is a good reason for it. To take in comfort or affection, you must lower your defenses. This would make you vulnerable to getting hurt—something you have learned to reflexively avoid, especially if you have an anxious or insecure attachment style. It’s a real conundrum. So, what can you do?

Letting Down Your Guard

Many people try to force themselves to open up. You can do this, but chances are that you would feel like a victim to your own pressure, which would actually make matters worse. Instead, learn to respect your need to protect yourself. Also, develop self-compassion for your struggles by learning to understand your reactions. This will reinforce your model of self as someone whose experience is to be valued and respected. From this emotionally safe position, you are more likely to feel OK about questioning your defensive reactions. Then you might slowly open up to taking in comfort from people you judge to be truly caring and supportive.

You might notice that you become uncomfortable when someone is physically affectionate or when you try to be affectionate. You might feel distant, numb, or anxious. What you don’t feel is warm, close, or comforted. In this situation, it is essential that you recognize your reaction. Once you consciously recognize this reaction, it can be very helpful to calm your reaction. Doing this involves recognizing the signs of when you are upset and then doing things that you know might calm or soothe you. For instance, you might go for a walk, listen to music, or take a hot bath. You can learn more about this with my brief video, Calming Your Distress.

When your body is calmer, you have a better chance of helping yourself accept or offer a touch, hug, or other physical sign of intimacy.

Learning to Hug With an Open Heart

The following exercise from The Insecure in Love Workbook encourages you to develop a self-accepting perspective, just as couples therapy workbooks may encourage you to do. This can boost your self-assurance and comfort in yourself, allowing you to step beyond your discomfort with physical affection. The workbook provides space for you to record your thoughts because this practice can help you to more fully process and reflect on your experience. So, you might want to grab a pad or open notes on your phone and write your thoughts about the exercise there.

Rate Your Openness to Physical Affection

Begin by reflecting on your experience of being hugged by someone you love. If you need to jog your memory, actually hug someone you love and pay attention to your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Then complete the following brief questionnaire:

Rate each statement on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being not at all and 5 being very much. Then add up your ratings for a total.

___ I sense caring from the other person.

___ I feel caring for the other person.

___ I feel emotionally comforted by the hug.

___ The hug helps physically calm my body.

___ Total

What does your total rating mean? Understanding that the lowest total score you can get is 4, the lower your score is, the less open you are to absorbing the love offered. Are certain scores higher or lower than the rest? If so, what are they saying about you and your openness to physical affection and emotional acceptance? For instance, you might rate the statements about being comforted or calmed by a hug lower than the other statements, perhaps reflecting a difficulty in emotionally taking in a hug despite registering it as a message of caring.

Would you respond differently to different people? If you think your response depends on who’s hugging you, you might try repeating the questionnaire for different people. Then look for themes. For instance, some people are very open to receiving physical comfort from women but not from men, or from children but not from adults.

What are some implications of this exercise? How does your level of openness to physical affection influence your sense of feeling cared about or alone in the world? How does it affect your relationship? How might your relationship be different if you were more open to truly receiving affection? Reflect on the different themes that you notice.

Make the Choice to Let Love In

After completing this exercise, when someone hugs you, consciously choose to be open to the caring they offer as well as to the physical warmth. If you try to take in a hug but don’t feel comforted, it’s OK. That’s your starting point. You can continue to be aware of your experiences when you hug.

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With time, you will find that physical affection can help you to manage your emotions, or as they say in the psychology field, to regulate your affect. Not only does physical affection feel good, but it can also help you to calm down when upset and to feel happier when you are feeling OK.

Whether you are practicing letting down your guard with the hugging exercise or in other ways, be sure that you are doing it with someone who has shown themselves to be trustworthy and emotionally available. Also, be patient with yourself. Becoming comfortable with physical affection and feeling the warmth may come with time and with other efforts to be vulnerable and open to emotional closeness.