Why We Should All Reject "The Ultimatum"

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Spoiler alert: I will discuss incidents from The Ultimatum: Queer Love in this post. If you haven't seen it, you may want to watch it first.

Netflix has made a season of its popular reality show The Ultimatum specifically for queer couples. This, in itself, is wonderful. The queer community is still underrepresented on television, particularly on reality shows, and any effort to change this should be commended. It normalizes gender identities, presentations, and orientations, and is a celebration of queer love.

However, the premise of The Ultimatum leaves a lot to be desired. The show doesn't work to achieve its reported goal of helping couples decide if they should get married. Psychology suggests that its format will actually work to undercut relationships and disrupt attachments, rather than clarify and strengthen them.

In the show, 5 couples are brought together to figure out if they should get married. In each relationship, one partner has issued a marriage ultimatum, but while that partner wants to get married, the other is uncertain for various reasons. On the show, the original couples "break up" and then date the other contestants for a week, at which point each person declares with which other contestant (aside from their original partner) they would like to have a three-week "trial marriage." During the trial marriage, the newly formed couples live together to see what being with another partner would be like. Then these relationships are broken up, and the original partners are re-paired for a second trial marriage. At the end of the relationship do-si-do-ing, the original pair must decide if they want to get engaged to each other, get engaged to the other person they had a trial marriage with, or leave alone.

In many ways, this structure puts people in impossible situations where almost no one can come out looking good; several participants have been criticized and vilified for their behaviors on the show. But psychology can help us understand what happened and show us why we should probably have more empathy for all of the participants.

New Partners Are Always Exciting and Enticing

There's a reason why everyone knows that the honeymoon phase of the relationship is filled with excitement. The novelty of a new partner is thrilling, and neuroscience proves it: Neurotransmitters flood your body (dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for triggering the brain's reward center, can fill us with desire); you're elated and uncertain; and you're driven to establish a connection with the other through physical and emotional intimacy. The honeymoon phase is wonderful, but our bodies cannot sustain it, and eventually we settle into a more stable relationship that comes with less of a high.

The Ultimatum tempts partners to experience the rush of being with someone new. Many people put in that situation would follow euphoria and enjoy themselves, especially if their partner, and the show's producers, tell them it's not only okay, but encouraged. Contestants are told that this is how they'll figure out if they should get married. They're told to let go and trust the process, to be "fully in" the experience, so they can learn about their needs and decide their relationship's future.

Trial Marriages with New Partners Aren't Predictive of Marriage

As we know, the honeymoon phase can be fantastic, but marriages aren't built on the honeymoon phase. They're built on secure attachment, a foundation of empathy, respect, and devotion, and a commitment to growing together. A trial marriage will not contain any of those ingredients; the makeshift couples haven't had enough time together to establish that type of foundation. The Ultimatum creates new couples and says they're "married," but really these couples are just living together while they begin to date. As a result, these trial marriages are not reflective of what a long-term relationship with the person would be.

This show shakes the security of contestants' attachment to their original partners. It introduces doubt as they grapple with making a lifelong commitment. This only furthers the confusion couples feel; they're already coming in with unsteady attachments given that they're on the precipice of either getting married or ending their relationship, an inherently insecure place to be.

A secure attachment is a foundation of a good relationship and the gold standard of healthy love. A securely-attached couple can communicate, manage conflict, navigate challenges, and offer consistent love and support. Couples on the brink are inherently challenging their attachment. There isn't confidence that their partner will be there for them or stay with them through anything, which introduces anxiety and sadness, among other emotions. If you take couples in this state and then force them to breakup and "marry" someone else in front of each other, you're eroding the security they had built in their relationship.

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Reality TV Environments Are Stressful

At numerous points, we see the cameras and hear from participants "behind the scenes," reminding us that the contestants are being filmed and we are watching it. We see the cameras and lights when cast members walk off set or try to escape being filmed. One must wonder if this is to make the contestants more human and relatable, and to make the show itself more human as well, which it does.

However, watching contestants in distress and trying to escape being filmed only adds to viewers' distress. It's a reminder of how these are real people who are struggling. They are put in truly unbelievable circumstances and grapple with feelings and decisions few of us will ever face. It's not entertaining to see someone attempt to escape from a situation or a camera only to be followed and recorded.

Witnessing their palpable distress only raises issues about the show's premise. Ultimatums are generally not productive, because forcing people into a decision breeds resentment. Adding in the other ingredients—breaking up, entering trial marriages with others, and disrupting their attachments—is not a recipe for healthy relationships. Indeed, Season 2 saw only one couple make it (Sam and Aussie) while every other pairing (both the originals and the trial relationships) split.

If you go on this show, you should know you're unlikely to leave engaged to your partner. The chances are very slim. So, if you're hoping to get married to the person you love, going on The Ultimatum is not the way to achieve that. Instead, try couples therapy for a real chance to make it work.

Future contestants should go on the show with the right hopes and expectations: to get unique permission to date and "marry" another person while they decide if they want to stay with their original partner, to leave the show single (or become single soon after, based on the results of the first two seasons), and to (hopefully) make some great friends.