10 Simple Tools to Help You Find Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not a panacea. It won't make things the way they were, but it can make the days ahead better. The tips below will help you to forgive actions that have caused damage to your relationship.

1. Forgiveness is a healthy choice. Holding on to hate is toxic and the distress it causes can make you physically and emotionally vulnerable to illness. Letting it go can free you to enjoy your relationship and your life.

2. Choosing to not forgive is an option. When the offender is unremorseful, unwilling or unavailable you can still heal yourself. It takes effort and introspection. If you can't get the appropriate apology, you need you accept the circumstances and find a way to move on.

3. Sincere remorse is a sign that forgiveness may be appropriate. When the transgressor is truly open to sincerely and undefensively work through the problem with the injured party, trust can be rebuilt.

4. Forgiving and forgetting are different. You won't create amnesia by forgiving, but just because you can't rewrite history doesn't mean you can't create a wonderful future. There will be flashbacks, but once you have forgiven you need to know that those moments are temporary and not a sign of things to come.

5. Forgive yourself first. Some people cannot forgive themselves for their transgressions. Perhaps the memory serves to keep them from repeating their mistakes. If one is truly on the path of becoming a better person, and understands that their personal pain is a part of the journey, self-forgiveness will come in time.

6. Forgiveness is hard work. It must be earned which requires accepting responsibility, understanding why the violation occurred and listening deeply. All of this takes time and a desire from both parties to heal.

7. To error is human. We all make mistakes, sometimes really big ones. Understanding that will help you to keep your balance when someone unintentionally hurts you.

8. Revenge is very expensive. Some people can spend their lives trying to make a transgressor pay. I have seen this negative energy ruin families and future relationships. If you are holding on to this kind of anger take a serious look and how it's effecting those you love.

9. Let bygones be bygones. Don't continue to bring up the past when you think you need an advantage in .a disagreement. This behavior will not allow you to really forgive and it will also make the foundation of your relationship unstable.

10. It's not your fault. Some people blame themselves for bad things that others have done to them. The real truth is that this belief comes from very low self-esteem and that's where the healing needs to be focused.

My favorite books on forgiveness are "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. and "Dare to Forgive" by Edward Hallowell, M.D.

If you and your partner have the desire, you can work through the pain and even make things better. True forgiveness is like true love in that it takes two people to make it happen.