Cultural Biographies for Cross-Cultural Couples

Cross-cultural relationships are on the rise. Over the past three decades, cross-cultural marriages in the United States have experienced a steady increase. Pew Research Center data from 2017 show that over 670,000 newlyweds in 2015 had entered into a marriage with someone of a different race or ethnicity. Approximately 18% of those living in a metro area in the U.S. are married to someone of a different race or ethnicity.

The key to success in cross-cultural relationships lies in how couples approach and navigate cultural differences. Especially, healthy and loving cross-cultural couples approach challenges with curiosity, remaining mindful of their assumptions and biases about how a relationship should unfold. This curiosity becomes a cornerstone for success in cross-cultural relationships.

In my private coaching practice, I have witnessed that exploring and expressing our own cultural biographies can greatly support cross-cultural couples facing challenges. Comprehending cultural differences within their relationships starts with understanding our own cultural experiences. If you're in a cross-cultural relationship, the process I outlined below can help you and your partner enhance your mutual understanding and connection.

How to Get Started With Your Cultural Biography

Embarking on a cultural biography is a fascinating exercise designed to help you explore your cultural identity, exploring its connection to your personal and relational history. Through this journey, you'll unpack how your beliefs and behaviors surrounding culture have taken shape over time.

Begin this introspective exercise with a simple yet profound step: close your eyes, and let your mind wander back to early childhood. Dive into the recesses of your memories, starting with the very first cultural recollection that surfaces. You may wonder, wait, what is cultural recollection? As we know, culture shapes all our memories, and every memory has a cultural aspect.

Take my first memory, for instance. Growing up in South Korea, I remember playing Sumbakkokjil (the Korean version of hide-and-seek) with my brother and his friends. As the youngest and the only girl among them, I experienced a sense of difference and had to persuade them to let me join the game. Although having my brother around made me feel protected, I also sought his approval. This memory reflects aspects of my culture, such as the unique games children play and the dynamics in relationships based on age, expected gender roles, birth order, and family expectations.

To explore your cultural biography, journey chronologically through your life, pausing at five to six pivotal incidents that have left a lasting impact on you.

For each memory, jot down your age at the time and provide a brief account of the experience. The goal is to capture the essence of the memory, coupled with any emotions that come up when you think of that particular moment. From the innocent days of childhood to the complexity of your present age, trace the evolution of your relationship with your own culture through the lens of your own experiences.

As you undertake this reflective journey, consider the ways in which these cultural memories have shaped your understanding, beliefs, and interactions with the world around you. By mapping out these pivotal moments, you'll gain valuable insights into the layers of your cultural biography, discovering the threads that have woven your unique perspective on life. Experiences that might have seemed neutral or normal to you, may turn out to be culturally informed.

Deepen Your Understanding in Four Steps

If you are ready to continue the exploration of your own cultural narrative, you can use the following steps to deepen your understanding of your past and its impact on your current relationship.

1. Identify recurring themes: What recurring themes do you notice as you navigate through the chapters of your cultural journey? Whether it's family traditions, societal influences, or personal milestones, these themes offer clues to the roots of your cultural identity.
2. Explore emotional responses: As you revisit these memories, pay close attention to the emotions that surface in response to significant moments. Whether it's joy, nostalgia, confusion, or even discomfort, your emotional responses provide valuable clues to the impact these experiences have had on you.
3. Understand current feelings and behaviors: Consider what you've learned about your current feelings and behaviors towards yourself, your culture, and others. How have these early cultural memories shaped your present outlook and interactions? Understanding this link will help you cultivate self-awareness.
4. Gain insights into relationship dynamics: Reflect on your past experiences and identify the insights that have emerged regarding your present relationship dynamics. How do your behaviors and emotions concerning yourself, your culture, and other cultures manifest in your current relationship? Exploring these connections can foster a deeper understanding of the interplay between your cultural past and present interactions.

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Sharing Your Cultural Biography

This guided exploration is an opportunity to unlock the stories that have shaped who you are today. It is important to stay curious about the insights you gain from your cultural biography and be open to sharing what you uncovered with your partner.

When you and your partner share your cultural memories, you gain valuable insights into each other’s background, traditions, and experiences that shape your partner’s perspectives. This process creates a foundation for empathy as each begins to understand the cultural context that influences the other person's worldview.

Moreover, the act of listening becomes a powerful tool for building trust and connection. When we feel heard and understood in the sharing of our cultural memories, it creates a sense of validation and acknowledgment for the person who is sharing. This mutual exploration also fosters a sense of openness and receptivity, leading to a more profound appreciation for each other's uniqueness.

When partners share their personal histories, traditions, and cultural nuances can even turn potential challenges into opportunities for learning and joy. I’ve even seen cross-cultural relationships transform their differences into a source of strength. This transformative process not only enriches your relationship but also has the potential to positively impact other cross-cultural interactions at work and in other areas of your life.