Enough With the “Toxic” In-Law Trope

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From articles about managing difficult mothers-in-law to movie titles like Monster-in-Law to Reddit sub-threads about in-law behavior, in-laws are often portrayed negatively in popular culture. This trend continues on social media where numerous TikTok and Instagram accounts focus on "toxic" in-laws. These accounts characterize every misstep, misspeak, or well-intentioned offer of help as a "toxic" in-law trait or behavior, requiring harsh words and strong boundaries, sometimes to the point of cutting off contact. Despite their popularity, these representations of in-laws represent just a small portion of actual in-law dynamics, but do a lot damage to expectations about in-law relationships.

I'm not saying there aren't bad in-laws out there because there are, and I'm also not saying that in-law relationships aren't tricky because they are, but the data doesn't support the idea that most in-laws hate each other. In fact, I've been surprised in my own studies at the high levels of satisfaction parents and children-in-law report.

Sure, there are outliers, but for the most part, many in-laws like each other and enjoy spending time together. This doesn't mean they never have conflict or pain points, just like any other relationship, but by and large, most in-law relationships aren't toxic.

A toxic relationship is characterized by control, manipulation, contempt, and constant negativity and impacts our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This vastly differs from the normal hiccups many of us experience within our in-law relationships, like the occasional unsolicited advice or boundary violation.

It's completely acceptable to be upset or befuddled by your in-law's behavior from time to time, but characterizing everything they do or say as toxic is problematic for four reasons:

1. It creates negative expectations for the in-law relationship. Our positive or negative expectations shape our view of an individual or relationship. I like to think of our expectations as a pair of glasses, and the lenses we have in our glasses shape the way we see the world.

If we put on glasses with dark and warped lenses, our view of our in-law relationship will be cloudy and distorted (negative expectation). As a result, we'll perceive our in-law's behavior and communication in a negative way that may not align with what is really happening.

For example, that offer to help us clean the house is interpreted as a passive-aggressive comment about the tidiness level of our home. Or that request to call instead of visiting unannounced is seen as a form of distancing and exclusion.

When approaching a relationship with negative expectations, we view all behaviors, even well-intentioned and appropriate ones, as bothersome or toxic.

2. It heightens our reactivity, or how strongly we respond, to our in-laws. Let's think every in-law behavior is going to be toxic. As a result, we'll likely be very defensive and have heightened reactivity to our in-law's behavior, such as being highly offended by a mundane question or exploding at our in-laws rather than asking for more information or learning about their perspective.

3. It perpetuates negative stereotypes about in-law relationships. Our culture does a good job of pitting women against one another, especially mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Subscribing to that belief or using damaging language like toxic to describe in-laws reinforces these stereotypes for ourselves and future generations.

In-laws aren't destined to hate each other or be rivals. Rejecting polarized language to describe normal in-law behaviors helps discard patriarchal expectations for women's relationships.

4. It prevents us from seeing the good in our in-laws, which impedes our ability to form strong bonds with one another. If we are always looking for bad or toxic behavior, we'll never see the good and kind behaviors, like how your mother-in-law always makes sure she has your favorite wine on hand or how your daughter-in-law always sends you pictures of the grandkids.

In-law relationships have an impact that goes beyond the one-on-one in-law bond. In fact, children-in-law's bonds with their parents-in-law impact their marital satisfaction, grandparent's relationship with their grandchildren, and whether or not children-in-law will care for aging or ailing parents. Making an effort to have a good relationship with your in-laws isn't just good for you; it also benefits the entire family system.

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Unlearning the negative expectations you may have internalized isn't always easy, but it's possible and will likely help your in-law bonds. Here's how to do it:

1. Remember, we're all humans going through life for the first time. Maybe you're the first daughter-in-law, and your mother-in-law is figuring out how to "in-law." Our culture doesn't really give us rules or guidelines other than negative expectations for what in-law relationships should be like, so we're all just making it up as we go. Give each other grace.
2. Remember that families are micro-cultures, so joining a family is like entering a new culture for both parents and children-in-law. Sometimes, they'll be very similar, and we slip into a comfortable rhythm and routine. Other times, the cultures are night and day, almost like we speak different languages. Be curious to learn more, and don't take offense when someone asks you questions about why or how you do things if they're vastly different than how they do things. They are likely just trying to get to know you, not passive-aggressively criticizing you.
3. Understand that previous generations weren't raised with the fluid and diverse expectations surrounding parenting, marriage, and "homemaking" that many millennials and Gen Z have today. Maybe your mother-in-law was never given the opportunity to push back on gender roles, so when she comments that your husband changes diapers, it is just a genuine observation of how things have changed for the better since she had children and not a personal attack.
4. Put on your rose-colored glasses. Remember, if you expect everything someone does to be ill-intentioned, that is the lens through which you'll view their behavior. So swap out your dark and distorted lens for ones that cast a warm and forgiving hue. Instead of thinking that the mother-in-law offering to help cook dinner or the father-in-law suggesting a certain way to hang lights on the tree is doing so to be mean or undermine you, frame it positively. These offers of support are a way for your in-law to show they care; it's a way of staying connected and a way of sharing their wisdom. Viewing your in-law's behaviors as a gesture of authentic kindness can help get us out of the toxic trap.