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In my work with people with addiction, be it to drugs, alcohol, or behaviors like gambling or pornography usage, one trait in early recovery often sticks out: the inability to take true responsibility for their actions. Instead, people with addiction often go to what they know best, a collection of cognitive distortions or “thinking errors” that keep them trapped in the cycle of addiction.
For example, I had a female client who came in when her husband threatened divorce and expressed concern for her drinking habits, as she was recently cited for a DUI after hitting a telephone pole. Besides the crash, the wife drank an average of a bottle of wine daily, sometimes starting mid-day and drinking until it was time for bed.
This was obviously impacting their marital relationship, but instead of owning up to her drinking she was defensive and only expressed concern regarding the crash. In other words, she said, “That was a stupid mistake, it shouldn’t have happened, and I’m sorry.” While this might sound apologetic, what she didn't do was acknowledge her drinking as problematic. In essence, she remained in denial, which is a big distortion in mental health.
Never did she express concern regarding the daily usage of alcohol, which her husband found harmful, but instead she focused on the DUI incident as the problematic issue. Her diversion of the conversation from the general to the specific is another cognitive distortion used.
The use of the words “should” or “shouldn’t” is another cognitive distortion that needs to be challenged. Therapists often respond by telling clients to stop “should-ing” on themselves as a means to gently redirect them to take more responsibility. When someone with addiction says they “should” have done this (i.e. avoiding a certain behavior or situation) or “shouldn’t” have done that (i.e. their addictive behaviors), they are hoping this tactic will stop the conversation.
Unfortunately, many spouses fall for this and don’t see how the “should/shouldn’t” is an oftentimes unconscious, manipulative mirage to take attention off of the person struggling with addiction. I encourage partners to see this for what it is and challenge their spouses to go further. In this clinical example, the wife said, “I shouldn’t have drunk so much that night as I put myself and others in danger while driving.” I would teach the husband to challenge the wife by responding, “Ok, let’s move past what you should/shouldn’t have done and focus the fact that you drink too much and the other night you crashed the car while under the influence. Help me understand what leads you to do that.”
Keep in mind that I’m asking the husband to probe further to get to the emotional, physical, environmental, and relational triggers that may have set off his wife to drink. In this example, she expressed feeling isolated at work and unappreciated at home, which led her to the DUI crash. While this doesn’t excuse her behavior, what it does do is help the wife gain more clarity as to the precipitating events that are impacting her drinking. This type of questioning allows for more dialogue, discussion, and emotional intimacy than the open and shut case of the cognitive distortion of “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Defensive anger is another distortion that rears its head in the addictive mentality. When her husband would calmly and gently bring up his concerns, she would get angry and defend herself by justifying the use of alcohol as a means to “calm herself down” because she was under a lot of stress. When I confronted her that this was a form of self-medication and coping she would bristle and insist it wasn’t a form of coping but instead as a means to help her “relax.” In the redefinition of her behavior as one of “relaxation,” the addict gets to keep a distance from the deeper issue of dependency, addiction, and the work needed to grow and heal from those issues.
The person with addiction also uses blame to avoid responsibility. The spouse in this case often would blame her drinking on the pressures of work and her perception that her husband didn’t love her. Blame is another cognitive distortion that fuels addiction because it gives the person with addiction a sense of entitlement to continue using their drug of choice.
By now, you can probably see how difficult it is for a single spouse to address a partner’s addictions. In couples therapy though, having a therapist challenge the person with addiction can be one way for the addict to see how their behaviors have truly impacted their partner. The therapist acting as a neutral observer can see through the smokescreen of cognitive distortions. With enough trust, the person stands a much greater chance of finally acknowledging their need to change.
