The First Big Fight in a Relationship Is Significant

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The first big fight in a relationship is a watershed moment. Fledgling relationships continue to flourish or flounder after the first big fight.

When a romantic connection sparks, both partners experience a blissful feeling referred to as limerence.

Dorothy Tennov (1979) described limerence as "an involuntary interpersonal state involving an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person."

Limerence is biological. At the onset of limerence, the pituitary gland releases norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine, estrogen, and testosterone. This chemical cocktail creates romantic euphoria. In the state of limerence, your significant other can do no wrong.

Newly minted couples experience few, if any, arguments because new relationships are shrouded in the fog of limerence. Hence, the adage "love is blind" has merit. Over time, limerence diminishes, and reality sets in. In reality, couples fight from time to time.

How couples handle the first big fight can predict the probability of success or failure of the relationship.

The first big fight triggers communication apprehension. This is the first time partners share their true emotions, ideas, and thoughts. McCroskey (1977) described communication apprehension as an individual's level of fear or anxiety associated with either real or anticipated communication with another person or persons.

People with high levels of communication apprehension minimize communication with their partners. The lack of communication causes resentment to build and eventually build to the point where an explosive relationship-ending reaction seemingly comes out of nowhere.

People with higher communication apprehension are seen less positively than those who experience lower communication apprehension levels.

Additionally, people who have high communication apprehension experience less satisfaction with themselves, with their significant other, and with interpersonal relationships in general. These behavioral characteristics further stress relationships.

Couples who survive their first big fight increase the probability of their relationship surviving over time. By definition, couples who argue do not share the same ideas, beliefs, or thoughts. Couples with low communication apprehension are more likely to acknowledge their differences and find common ground to compromise. The ability to compromise is the foundation of sound relationships.

Conversely, couples afraid to voice their ideas, beliefs, or thoughts significantly decrease the probability of meaningful, long-term relationships. In this case, the first big fight could be the last big fight.

Couples should prepare for the first big fight long before the first big fight erupts. During limerence, couples should acknowledge that no matter how good the relationship appears in the present moment, they will fight or, to put it more mildly, engage in verbal disagreements from time to time.

Couples should tell each other how they argue and, more importantly, how they recover from arguments. Most people know how they argue and recover from arguments based on their past experiences arguing with relatives and friends. For example, after an argument, some people need time by themselves to think things through and then reengage in a rational, thoughtful manner.

Some people sulk for several hours after an argument and then forget about the argument. No matter how you respond to arguments, you should let your significant other know what to expect when disagreements occur.

Knowing what to expect goes a long way to resolve misunderstandings and increases the probability of a long, emotionally fulfilling relationship.