6 Steps to Succeed in a Tough Conversation

Whether you’re breaking up with a partner, offering feedback at work, or revisiting a tough subject with a parent, difficult conversations find everybody eventually. Good preparation for these high-stakes conversations is key.

Source: Anna Shvets / Pexels

1. Get clear on your goal: Before a difficult conversation, get clear on what you hope to accomplish. That goal should reflect what you want to communicate or how you show up, not how you hope the other person will react. For example, a goal may be “to communicate my resignation gracefully” rather than “to resign without upsetting my boss.” Your goal can also include how you’d like to show up in terms of tone and kindness. That might sound like, “I’d like to communicate gently and respectfully with this old friend.” The only person you can control is you, so your goals should reflect the parts of the discussion that you manage.
2. Validate yourself: Acknowledge that this is scary. Instead of dismissing your fear (“Why should I feel nervous? This isn’t even a big deal.”) or berating yourself (“Stop being stupid. You’re fine.”), try accepting your nervousness. You’re likely nervous because the conversation you’re preparing to have is scary. If it feels hard, it is hard. Talking to a loved one about a sensitive subject, making a request, or offering difficult feedback all require skills and courage. It is OK to feel nervous going into the discussion.
3. Plan the logistics: While it is impossible to create the perfect conditions for a difficult conversation, reflect on what environment and timing will help you rather than stand in your way. If you and your partner struggle to have difficult talks late at night, speak in the morning or afternoon. Work discussions may best be had on Friday so everybody can cool off over the weekend. Many find that they want to have important conversations sober. Some prefer to have dicey conversations while walking so that both parties don’t have to stare at each other. These sorts of details set you up for greater success before any words are spoken.
4. Communicate your nervousness, maybe: Many clients I’ve spoken to struggle to know how to launch into a tough topic. One strategy is to have a meta-conversation first. You can say something like, “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I feel nervous to bring it up.” Or “I feel sort of awkward bringing this up and hope we can work through this together…” These opening forays may make the other person feel a little nervous, but they also communicate that whatever is about to be spoken about is hard for you, too. They show your humanity and indicate that you’re not on the attack.
5. Prepare for after: Consider thinking about how you’ll unwind after the conversation ends. What do you need when you feel wound up, hurt, relieved, or tired? Maybe you’ll want to get on the phone with another friend, go for a walk to shake it off, work out, or plan for dinner out with your partner. Preparing for the aftermath sets you up for greater self-care.
6. Manage your expectations: You cannot control how somebody responds or reacts to your words. You can only control how you present a difficult subject. Prepare to be kind, loving, and firm. Prepare to be curious about how they respond to you rather than defensive. Difficult conversations can cause tempers to flare and people's worst sides to show up, so be aware that the conversation may not go smoothly.

Difficult conversations are unavoidable. The better you prepare, the better your outcome is likely to be.