The Difference Between Healthy And Unhealthy Love

It is not uncommon for people to see love as an all-encompassing emotion, at least in the early stages of the relationship. This is a time when attention is focused on the partner and building bonds, so both people may be giving more than they are taking from the relationship.

Understanding the Basics of Healthy Love

However, in healthy love, each individual maintains a sense of self. She or he may give to the partner but never expect to have to give more than they are comfortable providing. In return, their sense of self-esteem means they have clearly defined boundaries. If the partner crosses those boundaries, the individual has the confidence to address the issue, set the boundary, and follow through if it is breached again. At the same time, in a healthy, loving relationship, the partner respects those boundaries as well as the other individual.

In a healthy love relationship, the couple gives and takes over their time together. Neither feels "lost" in the other person or loses their sense of self-worth or self-identity. Key signs of healthy love include:

· Honesty – people are open and honest with each other in all aspects of life

· Kindness and caring – both people are caring and kind towards each other without fear of losing the love of the other if they say or do the wrong thing

· Responsible for self-care – people in healthy relationships encourage partners to care for themselves as needed

· Independence is valued – healthy love welcomes independence and does not try to isolate or control the other

· Equality – while each person may make decisions for the couple, they also have an equal say and feel confident in giving their opinion or sharing their ideas

· Healthy conflict – disagreements occur in every relationship, and healthy love provides for healthy debate and discussion to come to a mutually agreeable solution.

Signs of Unhealthy Love

The mirror image of healthy love is unhealthy love, also known as unhealthy attachment. This is not an equal, respectful, and honest relationship. It is a relationship where one person dominates the other. Unhealthy love and attachment can also result in the love "addict" becoming clingy, passive-aggressive, and highly anxious about the relationship and their future.

Common signs of love addiction and unhealthy love attachments include:

· Controlling behaviors – a partner may attempt control by telling you what to do, think, and feel in all aspects of life.

· Manipulation – gaslighting, ghosting, lying, and manipulating are common signs of an unhealthy partner.

· Disrespect and belittling – name calling, put-downs, and constant negativity in public and private conversations.

· Possessing the partner – unhealthy love is all-demanding and you are not able to interact with or have friends, family members, or colleagues.

· Losing yourself – people in unhealthy love relationships slowly lose themselves in the manipulations of the other person. They see themselves as the failure, the one who did something wrong, and this guilt is continually used against them.

· Double standards – the partner sets one set of rules for you while they do something completely different. If you object, the issue is twisted and distorted to deflect the blame to you and your actions.

Being in an unhealthy love relationship can be similar to riding a roller coaster. One day things are going well, it is exciting, and you feel intensely aligned with the other person. The next day you are ignored, verbally abused, or betrayed. This constant random change in the relationship from highs to lows keeps you off balance and unable to process what is going on.

Breaking the Cycle

Recognizing you are a love addict in an unhealthy relationship is the first move in breaking out of the cycle. Working with a therapist to rebuild self-esteem and self-confidence, to learn how to set boundaries, and to become comfortable as a single person outside of a relationship are all steps to take in healing and recovery.

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It is possible to move from unhealthy love into a positive, healthy relationship. It will take work and practice, but the results are truly amazing.