Is Sexting Good or Bad for a Relationship?

Co-authored by Jonathon Beckmeyer

Not surprisingly, as soon as we had cell phones, people started using them for “sexting” – sending and receiving flirty and suggestive messages, photos, and videos. We’ve come a long way from eggplant and avocado emojis (not to knock the classics), but lingering questions still stand about the impact of sexting. Does it help our relationships? Hurt them? Is it worth the risk?

Like so many things in relationship science, most early studies approached sexting as a risky behavior. But like many of the studies we have embarked on together, my collaborator, Jonathon Beckmeyer used a recent study to challenge assumptions about sexting. Instead of assuming the risks of sexting outweigh the benefits, he got to work finding out.

A note about the science

Sexting with a stranger or casual acquaintance is different from sexting with a romantic partner or spouse. Arguably the more casual the relationship, the higher the risk that someone will misuse the material and the lower the chance that sexting will enhance or improve the relationship itself. After all, there isn’t much of a relationship to improve. To control this aspect of the study, all participants were in romantic relationships at the time they filled out the survey, though some were more casual dating partners than others.

Dr. Beckmeyer surveyed 484 young adults about their experiences with sexting and how their relationships were going in terms of positive and negative interactions and commitment. Here is what he found.

A lot of people aren’t sexting

If you read the opening paragraph and thought “nope, not me, no thanks” you’re not alone. In this study, 42% of people didn’t send or receive sexts and didn’t want to. Much smaller percentages of people weren’t sexting, but they wanted to (4.8%) or had partners that wanted them to (5.8%). In other words, a lot of people just aren’t into sexting.

When people do sext…

More than half of people send sexts (53%) or get sexts from their partners (52%). In this study, sexting was related to more positive interactions between partners and higher commitment. Interesting, right?

It’s important to note that this study doesn’t allow us to conclude that sexting makes your interactions more positive or makes couples feel more committed. It might be that couples who are committed to each other feel more comfortable sexting. That would make a lot of sense because sexting requires a high level of trust and vulnerability. It may also be that couples who have more positive interactions are able to incorporate sexting into their relationships in a way that enhances their interactions rather than having negative consequences.

So, should you be sexting?

As a general rule, we reject the notion that people “should” do anything in relationships, except treat each other with kindness and respect. Beyond that, folks need to do what works for them, what feels comfortable, what enhances their sense of fun, security, and connection with their partners. For about half of young adults in this study, that meant sending some frisky messages or pictures to each other. For another large portion of the participants, it meant keeping their messages PG. In a healthy relationship, partners never force each other to do something they are not comfortable with. If one partner says "no" to sexting, that should set a boundary that isn't crossed.

If you are going to engage in sexting, make sure everyone is over the age of 18. It is illegal to send or receive a picture or video of a minor even if you are a minor. For adults, it is important that you have clear boundaries about how sexually explicit messages will be used, destroyed, and shared (or not).

Jonathon Beckmeyer, Ph.D. is an Assistant Professor in the School of Counseling and Wellbeing at West Virginia University.

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