Unconventional Wisdom: Take Two

I have been married for 14 years to a man I love and respect. Except for the first two years, our physical relationship has been spotty or nonexistent. My husband-to-be was diagnosed with HPV a year after we started dating. I felt tremendously resentful toward him, damaged, and humiliated; I developed cervical cancer and for the next few years had to be monitored, biopsied, and treated. I was terrified of reinfection. In addition, we experienced work and financial difficulties, mutual depression, and a general “lack” that have rendered our libidos rather limp. But there has never been any infidelity. We share a desire to be more than roommates, but if I step outside my comfort zone and try to kiss him—I have almost always been the romantic initiator for 10-plus years now—he choreographs my every move, which leads to anxiety and insecurity about exchanging anything more than a quick peck. We have had many frank conversations about what is missing in our relationship. The lack of deep intimacy makes me chronically unhappy. Am I kidding myself that we can recapture our physical connection?

No, but you are kidding yourself that litanies of lack will lead to any kind of positive connection. Your inventories of absence keep you focused on the negative and hinder change. What’s more, as a general principle, if years of talk—about anything—haven’t yielded improvement, a new strategy is needed.

It’s time to stop talking about what you lack and start working toward what you want in a relationship. You are long overdue to introduce joyful experiences into your life. Forget sex (for now). You need shared pleasures of all kinds. Distress and disappointment are weighing you both down. The human brain has a negativity bias. Negative events register faster, stronger, and longer on us than do positive events. It takes at least five positive experiences to offset the impact of one negative one.

Further, novel experiences—skiing, hiking, riding roller coasters, dancing, playing games, going to concerts—are emotionally arousing and generate a sense of romance. You like each other better and feel more connected.

Your marriage began in anger and humiliation and has not had much chance to progress. You definitely get an A for endurance. It isn’t even clear why you proceeded to marriage when you were so angry, unless you felt so damaged that you feared no one else would want you. The relationship now carries so much negative freight—layer upon layer of reactions to the other’s reactions to unfulfilling events—that peeling back the layers to find a core of caring is not likely to be the best way forward.

Borrow a concept from our great national psychologists—Hollywood—and embark on Take Two. Put your blighted past aside and reimagine your relationship. Yes, start over. The beauty of the Hollywood approach is there’s no shame or blame for what didn’t go right the first time. There is, in fact, the presumption that it will take more than one try to get things right.

Each of you draw up a blueprint for the relationship you desire. Then give yourselves a finite amount of time to negotiate the elements item by item; decide which ones you both want as features of your life together. Every couple needs to do this. Then you need an action plan—identify the steps you will take toward your now-joint goals. Defining what you want, instead of inventorying inadequacies, is likely to put you both in a positive state of mind.

Finally, aim for a clear-cut beginning; set a date for putting the plan into action. If you can afford it, take a trip together, preferably to a place neither of you has visited before, one that offers access to the kinds of activities you both like. Call it a second honeymoon. Life doesn’t always offer second chances. Grab the opportunity.

When a Partner Is Down

I’m struggling in a relationship with someone who is depressed. I don’t know how to help. My boyfriend sequesters himself in his home for days at a time and doesn’t want to talk to me about his depression.

No question, dealing with a depressed partner is frustrating, proof that, however much you may want to, and even for their own good, you can’t make others change. Nevertheless, psychologist Barry Lubetkin, co-founder of New York’s Institute for Behavior Therapy, says there are two important things a partner can do.

1. Practice genuine empathy. “Most depressed individuals reside in a dark, gloomy world, where happiness seems impossible to achieve,” he says. “They know they are alienating others but can’t seem to do anything about it.” You not only can but must enter this world: “I think I know what you must be feeling. Is there ever any sense of relief?” “Can you share some of those hopeless thoughts with me? I realize you must feel so alone with them.” “When I am feeling dark and down I never want to be bothered by anyone, so can you help me figure out a way you can signal when you are ready for me?” Such empathetic communications, which must be totally noncritical and nonjudgmental, allow the depressed partner to feel a true connection with you and will often quiet down their frequent self recriminations, Lubetkin finds.

2. Identify the unrealistic expectations of your depressed partner and help him reassess them. “Since most individuals are terrible problem solvers when depressed,” explains Lubetkin, “partners can be helpful in finding solutions: ‘Your supervisor seems to really like you, and I am certain that taking a brief leave of absence will not endanger your job.’ ‘Your depression has caused you to feel more suspicious of others, but I am certain your friends were not talking about you at the party.’”

There are basics you can’t neglect, either. Help your partner exercise; don’t tell him to get out and walk—take him for a walk. Make sure he is eating well and getting sleep. And not to be overlooked, says Lubetkin, help him avoid those who deepen his sadness.