A Lopsided Marriage

I was born in Finland and worked and raised a family in Europe before divorcing, meeting an American man online, moving to California, and marrying in 2017. Our first big argument was about the wedding: We couldn't have the Catholic ceremony my husband wanted. I also had to sign a prenuptial agreement that I didn't fully understand, by which my pension became joint money. My husband insisted that I sell a small home that I had bought on a previous visit to the U.S., and I had to give away my dog. Both made me very sad. I now live in his house and have nothing of my own. I hate arguing about money, which we do daily. Although my money is totally shared, he contributes only a tiny amount to our expenses. I have expressed the words equal and fair, but my husband does not recognize them. Trained as a lawyer, he is verbally skilled. He is loud and mocks me when I stumble over words. All the arguments have destroyed my sexual desire. Is this normal? I wanted to share my life. I did not expect to be under someone's control.

Your husband imposes decisions that hurt you at every turn. The important question is not "Is it normal?" but "What are you willing to do about it?" Unfortunately, you rushed into marriage before knowing your husband's true nature. It is painful merely to read the litany of unfairness. To add insult to injury, your husband demeans you and unleashes his temper freely.

He clearly has all the power in the relationship. For whatever reasons, you acquiesced. (You may have legal grounds to renegotiate the prenup; consult a lawyer.)

If you want to stay sane, you have to take some power back. Things don't have to work 50-50, but both partners must feel valued and that each is giving and getting in a fair manner—at the very least they should have equal say in how things are to work. Unfairness breeds resentment. And that destroys the desire for sex. The irony is that the partner who most benefits from the inequality generally is the least happy partner and winds up disrespecting the other. Your husband may even feel contempt for your submissiveness. It gets complicated.

We all have the job of standing up for ourselves in relationships. The only behavior you can change is your own. After drying your tears, aim for more assertiveness so that negotiation occurs regularly.

Start by deciding what you want from the relationship. Draw up a short list of specific, actionable requests: "It is only fair that we each contribute an equal amount each month to the running of our lives." "I need you to not mock me or make fun of me in our arguments or at any other time." "If you feel yourself getting angry during a discussion, could you take a 20-minute break to cool off before resuming the conversation?"

But before you even begin to negotiate—and there's no guarantee that your husband will—you have to do something completely unexpected to get him to pay attention to you without dismissing you. Warning: You will feel uncomfortable; all new behavior involves some degree of discomfort.

Plan ahead and decide when you want to have a discussion. A day or so before, stop arguing with your husband. Stop reacting to him in any way. Minimize interaction. Read a book, garden, go off by yourself for the day. At some point, the shift in your behavior will capture his curiosity. When he demands to know what's going on—and he will, as he will no longer be controlling your reactions—it is time to tell him, with quiet resolve, that you would like to discuss some changes. Set a time for the discussion. If he does not agree, why stay? But if you do, cultivate your own life. And find a way to minimize your reactivity to him.