Love on the Sly

Absence may make the heart grow fonder -- but it doesn't hold a candle to secrecy. The proof is in: secrecy in relationships actually fans the fires of passion.

Men and women think most obsessively about past relationships that were conducted on the sly, says a University of Virginia psychologist. His lab studies also show that couples who interact in secret become more attracted to each other than those who are open.

The brain actually forces us to think most about the things we try to forget, explains Daniel M. Wegner, Ph.D. Our attempts to control our behavior, thoughts, or beliefs set off two dueling mental processes.

Our conscious mind attempts to implement a mental change and searches for evidence that things are going according to plan. The unconscious mind searches for evidence that we have failed at making the desired change.

This monitoring process actually dooms us to think compulsively about the very thought or action we are trying to eliminate. Thus, not to think about a risky "significant other" can turn him or her into a veritable obsession.

Wegner has found that young lovers who feel their freedom compromised by a relationship's secrecy actually cling to their partners more fiercely. Couples who were threatened most by parental disclosure showed the greatest allegiance to their relationships. Let this be a lesson to parents of the forbidding kind: A relationship forced into secrecy can generate a Bonnie and Clyde-type bond.

And to those in the grips of secret affairs, think three times before you act. The passion comes from the secret, not your lover.