Relationships, Relationships, Relationships.

I get tons of letters, in the form of e-mails, with questions in search of advice. The questions are heartfelt, sincere. They are often very long and very convoluted. They are candid. They speak of confusion. Most of all they are full of pain. And every single one of them is about relationships. Male-female relationships.

Here's a sampling just from today's batch.

"My husband and I have only been married three years but in this short time my Romeo has turned into someone else. He stays up to three or four every morning watching TV. We both work and have four kids between us. I am needy for some attention and romance, but I get nothing. I could stand naked in front of the TV and he wouldn't move...."

"I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with a man I could see myself with for the long haul but for one thing: he needs constant attention. I can talk to him all day, but if I stop for an hour or talk to someone else, he'll grow jealous and lash out at me. The worst part is that he blames me...."

"My boyfriend and I have a beautiful daughter together. When we first started dating seven years ago, he made it clear he was not ready for a committed relationship. Soon after that I was diagnosed with cancer and kept him at arm's length, afraid to let him into my hellish world of chemo and disappointing test results.... At the tail end of my treatments he dropped a bomb: that he had lived with a gay man.... A year later, I found out I was pregnant. I stupidly thought he would propose. My pregnancy turned into a nightmare; 2 1/2 years later, I have not fully recovered.... We present a united front to the world as a family. But I've found that he visits gay porn sites in depth. I'm in love with a man who is obviously gay and is using me to disguise it to the world. The situation sickens me and I can't stop crying. What is my next step?"

"After 23 years of marriage, my wife isn't sure she wants to be married. This came after she had an affair with a friend of ours...."

"My wife has many health problem so I know she doesn't always feel good. However, she does little in the area of exercise and eating well. I am a runner and try to eat well. I cannot bring the subject up to her because she gets defensive. I wish I could do something."

"My girlfriend is acting as my mother. Instead of showing love and affection, she is bossy. What do I do next?"

No question about it, we're all searching for love. I include myself in this "we." I know something about this and am very tuned into it, because I too am looking for a partner. I was widowed four years ago, and I'd love to find a great new mate.

But this much I know, or have learned. Our relationship to a partner is a huge issue in life and the quality of that relationship is a major influence on our own happiness. But the more fundamental issue is our relationship to ourselves and to our future.

So many of the letter-writers are stuck in relationships that make them miserable. The pain is palpable. But what strikes me as astonishing is that those very same letter-writers also seem to be saying they do not believe that they deserve better.

When you love yourself enough, you know that you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your basic needs. You're able to imagine having that healthy relationship in your future so that you have a standard against which to evaluate your current situation. And your healthy attitudes towards yourself bring healthier partners into your life and prompt you to make wise decisions about who to get involved with.

In other words, the source of the relationship out there is what's going on in the relationship in here. Instead of worrying whether your partner is ever going to change and the relationship out there is ever going to work, get to work on the relationship in here that you can change, your relationship with yourself.

Either your partner will change along with you or you will recognize that you don't share the same goals and you will move apart in an empowered way. That will free you to create something better.