Intimacy vs. Sex

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When a dear friend told me a few weeks ago that she and her spouse had been deeply intimate the night before, I naturally assumed that she was referring to good sex, which also helped explain her cheerful mood that day. And good for her. But hidden in my response was the oft-mistaken assumption that being intimate and being sexual are basically the same thing. In point of fact, they are not.

Our culture frequently conflates sex with intimacy. But it is perfectly possible to have sex without intimacy. In fact, people do that all the time, usually by engaging in casual hookups, prostitution, pornography, webcam sex, and more. It is equally possible to have intimacy without sex. People do it regularly with friends, family, and even their long-term partners.

For an example of nonsexual intimacy, consider a conversation I recently had with my dentist of many years. In a quiet moment prior to my exam, he closed the door and said, “I understand you’re a sexologist, and I wonder if I could ask you an honest question about sex.” He then told me he was 15 years older than his wife and was worried that his age (and diminishing sexual interest/performance) might become an issue. As I am aging as well, this sparked an incredibly meaningful conversation—i.e., intimacy without sex.

What Is Intimacy?

Intimacy is the ability to be close, open, and vulnerable with another person. With intimacy, there is a craving to know and be known, to be honest, to develop mutual trust, to self-disclose, to be both independent and interdependent, to have respect and mutual appreciation, and to enjoy togetherness.

My colleague the anthropologist. Helen Fisher, known for her deep and meaningful research into relationships and sexuality, notes that intimacy is an expression of emotional connection that may manifest differently for men and women. She states that women typically express intimacy with face-to-face conversations, sharing sacred hopes and dark fears. Men, on the other hand, tend to express intimacy by playing and/or working side-by-side. With men, sharing about dreams and fears may occur but is often couched in “joke speak.”

Such gender differences are generalizations, obviously, but on any given bell curve, they are quite accurate. In fact, we see them play out in real life almost constantly, especially in heterosexual relationships that are struggling for one reason or another. The male and the female both feel love for one another and deeply desire closeness and connection, but they speak different love languages. Thus, the message of intimacy gets lost in translation.

Is Sex a Part of Intimacy?

Without question, an important goal for most couples is to have emotional intimacy, as described above, with sexual connection serving as both an expression and extension of that intimacy.

That said, sex is not intimacy. Sex is what happens between our legs and with other sexual body parts. Sex can and often does occur in the absence of intimacy. Human beings, men in particular, are perfectly able to compartmentalize sex, separating the physical act of sex from the emotional act and expression of intimacy.

The good news here is that sex, as stated above, can be an expression and extension of intimacy. It can further a couple’s sense of emotional connection. More important, when a couple is feeling truly connected emotionally, sex can be super fun and blazingly hot. In other words, sex doesn’t always have to be in the missionary position while looking into one another’s eyes and saying, “I love you so much.” A quickie in the kitchen with no forethought or planning can be, in its own way, just as intimate.

Our Need for Touch

Again, sex can be an important expression of intimacy. But it is not the be-all, end-all of intimacy, even of physical forms of intimacy. If we are too focused on the sexual act—achieving and maintaining an erection, achieving penetration, ensuring our partner has an orgasm, and the like—we can diminish the experience of vulnerability and closeness that we all crave.

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For many couples, taking an emphasis off actual sex and placing an emphasis on sensuality can restore a sense of physical connection as a furtherance of emotional connection. Sensuality differs from sexuality in that sensuality places a focus on all the senses. Thus, a couple can engage in backrubs, foot rubs, holding hands, cuddling, snuggling, and all sorts of other touch behaviors without having sex, receiving just as much intimacy and pleasure as when they have sex.

When you love someone, it's not about sex. It’s about connection. And any welcomed form of touch will further the feeling. If you are interested, there are countless “sensate focus” books and exercises that can help you and your partner experience and enjoy touch in new and exciting ways. Simply search the term “sensate focus” online, and you’ll find numerous resources.

This is great news as couples age. The desire for sex may (and typically does) diminish with age, but our human needs to be vulnerable, loved, and touched do not. We need to care and be cared for. We need to comfort and be comforted. We need to feel emotionally and physically connected to our partner. But we don’t always need sex to be a part of that equation. Happily, other forms of physical connection can be just as rewarding.