How Adult Children Can Set Boundaries With Their Parents

I’d seen micromanaging parents but I didn’t realize it was a trend until my daughter was going into her senior year of college more than a decade ago. She had a scheduling issue that would have delayed her graduation so I emailed the Dean for advice. When she called back, her first words were that she was surprised never to have heard from me before. I asked why she was surprised: “Do parents routinely call the Dean’s office?” It turned out that out of a class of 400, there were 20 or so parents she’d never spoken to, and I was one of them.

The involvement of parents in the lives of young adult and older adult children has shifted enormously over the course of a few generations, research shows. A 2008 study revealed that 30% of children with a working mother are in the care of a grandparent for all or part of the working week; 50% of grandparents provide “back-up” childcare. A more recent 2019 study conducted by the AARP showed that 94% of parents gave their adult children or grandchildren some kind of financial support. Some 26% contribute to vacations, 21% chip in for school or college tuition, and 14% help cover day-to-day expenses. It will surprise no one that the pandemic put new wind in the sails of the trend; 65% of Generation Z get parental financial support, while one in five of the Millennial group over the age of 30 do. Additionally, one in five homes are purchased by adult children with the help of a parent.

The term “helicopter parenting” first appeared in Haim Genott’s book Between Parent and Teenager first published in 1969; in many ways, it’s an unfortunate term because it sounds relatively benign and conveys neither what motivates the parent to “hover” nor the amount of damage done to the child whose parent or parents are determined to make sure their goals are met and that the kid shines a bright light on the family. What’s lost in the shuffle? The almost young-adult learning what she or he wants, as well as taking responsibility for doing what must be done. And, it should be said, learning how to recover from bad decisions and other mistakes that, inevitably, are part of life’s landscape.

When Does Involvement Become Trespassing?

The reality is that is that it can be hard to see what level of parental involvement is healthy, even with the best of intentions. By the way, we are not talking about help when there’s a catastrophe or event that effectively derails the adult child’s life. This is about everyday life and the need to set boundaries even when there is involvement.

Alicia, 51, recalled when her relationship with her two adult children, then 23 and 24, reached the tipping point. She’d gotten no advice or support from her parents so she thought she was being helpful by heading the opposite direction: “I was giving WAAAY too much advice and pushing them away with it. They were sick of me.” Alicia was lucky in that both her daughter and son texted her, telling her to back off, and she was able to see that she was both undermining their independence and undercutting their sense of agency. She realized that her unsolicited advice sounded as though she didn’t think they were capable and she stopped on a dime. Today, she is close to both of them but offers advice only when asked.

Figuring Out Boundaries With Adult Children

So, let’s look at the various scenarios, and discuss where the lines in the sand need to be drawn for a healthy and thriving relationship.

1. Financial Help: Gift, Loan, or Quid Pro Quo? When her parents offered Leila, 36, and her husband Tom, 35, the cash they needed for a down payment on a house, they were thrilled since they were expecting their first child. But things quickly turned sour when it became clear that her parents wanted a strong say when it came to buying one. Her mother had very strong opinions about how the young family ought to live. The house Leila and Tom chose was a funky Victorian with lots of rooms on a big lot but it all needed work; the house her parents urged them to buy was a smaller traditional Colonial in pristine shape. The problem was that Leila and Tom couldn’t see living there. They argued back and forth until, finally, Leila’s father said he’d withdraw the offer if they went with the Victorian because “he wanted to protect his investment.” Leila didn’t take it seriously but Tom did, challenging his father-in-law on whether this was a gift or a loan. The discussion went badly and both Leila and Tom agreed that there were too many strings attached to taking the money. Sadly, the relationship with her parents is now rocky.

As one mother of a 30-year-old put it: “I have given him money and I have lent him money. And I put pen to paper and give him a copy when it’s a loan which helps clarify things.” I do think that’s a good idea and parents should decide whether they are, in fact, willing to deal with a running tab. That said, a gift shouldn’t come with strings attached.

2. Free Childcare and the Clash of Parenting Styles. This is a biggie and It seem to be the issue that adult children are most vocal about; it can become a divisive issue under any circumstances but it’s particularly tender when the grandparent is providing free childcare. That was the case for Hillary, 43:

“The minute my mother started helping me out, all boundaries went out the window. She refused to enforce my house rules and, even worse, undercut me in front of my two kids who were six and eight at the time. The minute they started telling me that ‘Grandma lets us do it,’ I knew I had to find another alternative. My relationship to her hasn’t totally recovered because she took it very hard.”

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A national study conducted by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital found that 4 in 10 parents reported disagreement with grandparents about childrearing; the issues were discipline (57%), meals/snacks (44%), television/screentime (36%), and manners (27%). The study noted that 42% of parents whose parents refused to change their behavior limited the amount of time their children spent with them. They singled out one behavior—playing favorites with grandchildren—which, anecdotally at least, is one reason often cited by my readers for parental estrangement, especially if the behavior was present in the parent’s childhood.

An AARP study released in 2019 notes that “A majority of grandparents view their parenting style to be superior to parents of today. In fact, over half agree that spanking is an effective form of discipline, in comparison to 4 percent of parents who do it today.” I don’t even know where to begin with that.

3. Violating Boundaries. Sadly, marriages can be challenged, threatened, or even seriously damaged by extreme parental involvement, especially if that parent’s contribution—money or childcare, usually—is depended on. Robin, 37, reflected on how she unwittingly allowed her parents to influence her actions and decisions:

“Looking back, I don’t think my parents ever really liked Josh; they think he’s lazy and undisciplined because he doesn’t crave material things. They think he’s thrown away his talents by being a public defender, instead of a partner in a law firm. My mom babysat our kids so I could work and I allowed them to insinuate themselves into my marriage by echoing their complaints and ganging up on my husband. We’re in therapy to sort it out and the kids are going to after-school daycare. It’s not perfect but where we were going was nowhere.”

Copyright © Peg Streep 2022.

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