Emotion Regulation

The Power of Rethinking

A simple tool to help you feel better.

Updated September 11, 2023 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer

Key points

How we think about situations shapes our emotional responses.
Rethinking refers to changing the initial thoughts we have about a situation.
People who rethink frequently have more positive emotion and less negative emotion than those who don't.

Source: Engin Akyurt / Pexels

It’s happened to all of us. Our friend is late to meet us at a restaurant. With each passing minute, we become more upset. We wonder: "Did they simply forget?" “Do they not care enough to send a simple text message about the delay?” “Is our friendship over?”

A Tale of Two Paths

What happens next matters more than you might think. This is because there are two possible paths we can take at this point. On one path, negative feelings follow these initial thoughts, and a rising tide of anger engulfs us. We start to feel hot and uncomfortable, ill at ease. Suddenly, we become less sure of ourselves and our place in the world. Later that day, we’re preoccupied and short-tempered with everyone we interact with. What had seemed like a good day has turned noticeably darker, as though the sun has gone behind a massive cloud.

But there’s a second path. On that path, we pause and check our initial thoughts about what happened. We stop to wonder—is there any other reason our friend might be so late? Merely asking this question can slow the rush of negative feelings. This creates the space to step out of our own initial perspective and imagine another point of view. What if our friend was facing an unexpected crisis beyond her control? Or what if her phone had simply run out of battery, making her feel terrible about leaving us hanging? These thoughts lead to very different feelings. Where anger had started to grow, now feelings of compassion and caring take their place. Instead of shrinking into ourselves, we feel the urge to reach out and help others. What had seemed like a good day still seems like a good day, as we reflect on how many things had to go right for us to even be where we are at this moment.

Looking for the Other Handle

The idea that our thoughts matter is nothing new. Nearly two thousand years ago, the Stoic philosopher Epictetus said: “People are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by the opinions about the things.” In other words, it’s not what happens to us that determines our emotions, but how we think about what happens to us. This is why Epictetus counseled: “Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be borne, the other of which may not.” In other words, whether we’re feeling let down by someone or discouraged by an important setback, Epictetus reminds us that there is always more than one way of thinking about it (which he refers to as a “handle”): one that allows us to bear this difficulty better, and another that prolongs our suffering.

The Science of Emotion Regulation

In the past few decades, scientists have taken this age-old wisdom to heart and begun to systematically study the effects of rethinking. Now the evidence is in, and we know that compared to people who don’t use their power of rethinking, people who do use their power of rethinking generally feel more positive emotion and less negative emotion. When negative emotions do come up, they feel less bothered by them and are better able to bounce back from a negative mood. They even seem to enjoy better physical health.

A Snapshot of Your Current Level of Rethinking

How often do you use rethinking? This short measure can help answer this question and tell you how your use of rethinking compares to other people’s.

1. When I want to feel more positive emotion (such as joy or amusement), I change what I’m thinking about.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7