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Relationships
What We Lose, and Gain, When a Family Separates
Expert advice on what comes after estrangement.
Posted March 2, 2015
The choice1 to estrange from family is often portrayed as a simple and selfish act, but my research2 indicates that most people do not choose to estrange lightly or quickly: Estrangement is a process, not an event. People often say that they choose to estrange in order to regroup from stressful relationships or events, often believing that the distance will improve their health and wellbeing. (I shall discuss the causes of estrangement from the perspectives of both parties in another blog.)
People who choose to estrange often report long-term disconnection from the other party, and incidences of unacknowledged neglect, betrayal, and rejection ranging from minor incidents to severe abuse. People often choose to estrange when they feel there is nothing left to do, when their efforts at connection have been thwarted, or when they believe that the other party will not change or acknowledge wrongdoing.
People who choose to estrange report the same intense grief and loss responses as those who are estranged. They may also report relief from tension and conflict, but this is sometimes mixed with nagging doubts: "What have I done?" Regardless of the circumstances, the vast majority of people who choose estrangement mourn the incredible loss of family during the early stages of estrangement. Social and attachment reminders may trigger these responses across the lifespan.
People who choose to estrange usually report missing "a" family, but often not the estranged family member(s). Choosing estrangement can be an isolating option because cutting off one member of one's family can often lead to, or necessitate, multiple associated estrangements. This leaves the person who chooses estrangement vulnerable to reduced emotional, physical, and financial support. They often report an increased need to make decisions independently, as well as living with the consequences of those decisions. While this independence is often described as liberating, and as a sound contributor to growth and self-acceptance, it can also be a draining reminder of one’s isolation. Indeed, participants in my studies often reported a (disguised) envy of friends who took things like a family dinner or advice about car maintenance for granted.
People who choose to estrange sometimes report spending a considerable amount of energy maintaining the distance, or protecting themselves from encounters with, or exposure to, the estranged party. This includes monitoring phone calls, being careful about the disclosure of private information in public spaces such as the Internet, and even scanning their physical environment if the other person or people live nearby. This type of hypervigilance can increase one's anxiety levels and impact the their daily quality of life.
Some people do suggest that their choice to estrange was ultimately healing. Estrangement can provide the space to differentiate from dysfunctional patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that may have existed in the family of origin or relationship dynamic. Some suggest that estrangement contributes to a new sense of well-being, confidence, and self-discovery. This is often fortified through the creation of new rituals, the setting of new priorities, and the establishment of new and different relationships.
However, building new relationships and support systems can be difficult and people who estrange need to work incredibly hard to source and maintain new friendships and supports. Research3,4 shows that people who choose estrangement may be wary of further hurt, often believe that others don’t understand their situation, and are cautious about intruding on—or wearing out—non-biological supports. This has the potential to put a considerable amount of pressure and strain on existing relationships.
Choosing estrangement is rarely easy. In some cases, it provides space to reflect on the relationship, and time to work on healing before another attempt to reconcile is made. In other instances, the choice is considered final. People who choose to estrange often acknowledge that the decision holds considerable potential for growth as well as a risk of stagnation. Those who choose growth usually spend a lot of time weighing the benefits and challenges of estrangement before they enact it, and some remain quietly open to a different outcome. They also understand that personal satisfaction, well-being, and happiness will not result from estrangement alone. Rather it involves a courageous, honest assessment of self within the family context—and a lot of hard work outside of it.
Notes and References
1. The author makes no judgment about the decision to estrange, and acknowledges that in some cases this may be the only course of action. The phrase "choosing estrangement" is not meant to negate the belief of some who would suggest that they had no choice but to estrange a family member.
2. Agllias, K. (2015) Disconnection and Decision-Making: Adult Children Explain their Reasons for Estranging from Parents, Australian Social Work (accepted for publication 26 November, 2014).
3. Agllias, K. (2014) We all need "a" family: The adult child's experience of parental estrangement, under review.
4. Agllias, K. (2011). Every family: Intergenerational estrangement between older parents and their adult children. (PhD Social Work), University of Newcastle, unpublished.
See my new book: Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective
