The Only Thing a Depressed Person Wants to Hear

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The following advice relates to approximately 280 million people worldwide. That’s the World Health Organization’s pre-pandemic 2019 estimate of how many people live with depression. If depressed people formed a country, they would be the fourth largest nation in the world, right after the United States and just before Indonesia. Do you think that there is anything that a whole country could unanimously agree on? Consider the United States of America. People can’t wholly agree on a president, daylight savings time, or even whether to say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.”

With that in mind, do you think there is any one thing that a depressed person wants to hear?

After you understand the sheer size of the District of Depression, you’ll see that there is no one-size-fits-all advice for how to talk to people with depression. Even seemingly neutral phrases like “you’re not alone” or “anytime you want to talk, let me know” can be perceived as thoughtful, but they can also be interpreted as empty platitudes. Just like ordering ketchup on a hot dog is fine in most of the country, but it’s disrespectful in Chicago. I want you to understand that depression impacts people in a vast number of ways, which means that the conversations you have about depression can’t be cookie-cutter copies of other conversations.

There are nine symptoms that make up the diagnostic criteria for a major depressive episode. They are as follows: depressed mood (which could be consistently low or intermittent), weight loss or weight gain, sleeping too little or sleeping too much, decreased interest in activities, slower movements, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, diminished concentration, and recurrent thoughts of death. A person must have at least five of these symptoms for a period of two weeks or more to be diagnosed with depression. When you crunch the numbers, that comes out to 448 possible ways to be depressed. That’s 448 combinations of symptoms that constitute a depression diagnosis. That doesn’t even count the people who only have three or four of those symptoms.

It should be clear by now that the denizens of Depressionville are not a monolith. If you try to treat them all the same, you’ll have less heartfelt, less genuine, and less connecting interactions. Whether you’re trying to help someone or you’re just trying to listen, there are better and worse ways to talk about depression. As long as you avoid assuming you know what the person is feeling, you’re on the right path. I’ll give you a few of the better options, amongst the infinite ways that exist, to start a conversation about depression.

• You can find out how this person thinks about their depression. Do they view their depression more like being overweight or more like cancer? Meaning do they view their depression as something they are going through momentarily that everyone can experience, and they just need to make some changes to their life, or do they view depression as a disease that they are likely going to live with for the rest of their lives, but they can have periods of remission? You can ask, “Are you worried about feeling this way forever, or do you think it can change?” or “How often do you usually feel depressed?”
• You can also discuss what triggers their depressive episodes. It might be something more obvious, like losing a job or a loved one dying, but it might be something more subtle, like someone not answering a phone call or not being invited to a party. Seemingly insignificant events can trigger depression because they can represent a change in the trajectory of a relationship or a threat to their status quo. In the same way, victims of abuse can feel paralyzed because of the threat of violence, not because their typical day is full of violence. Or microaggressions can be interpreted negatively if you’re in the minority versus the majority. You can ask, “What tends to make you feel more or less depressed?” or “Are there any things I should avoid doing when you’re feeling depressed but are OK when you’re not depressed?”

These recommendations are simply to start a conversation about depression. Once you are talking with a member of the Solemn Society, you’ll learn to recognize the differences among the members instead of the similarities. The person you’re talking to about depression is simply a person who has depression. Depression is not their entire identity. Take your time to understand how depression is a part of their life, and you’ll learn the idiosyncrasies of what that individual person wants you to see.