5 Ways to Help Your College Student Cope With Parent Divorce

“If you divorce Mom, I’ll divorce you.” This dramatic statement comes from Kat, the 30-something daughter of Warren, who has told his wife and Kat’s mother that he is ending their marriage.

The book Leaving by Roxana Robinson, which was published last month, explores the impact on a family when an older parent is considering divorce. Kat’s declaration is a parent’s worst fear. However, I believe Kat’s response is not typical. In fact, the book does provide a counterexample of Sarah’s children coming around to understanding and accepting their mother’s decision to leave their father. Most of the students I see respond like Sarah’s children. At the same time, they worry about the practical consequences of the separation to their siblings and themselves.

Here is an example of a response I see in my work as a college psychiatrist:

“While I was home for vacation, my parents told me they are getting divorced. They haven’t always gotten along, so I’m not really surprised. But I am worried about my brother. He’s already depressed and on medication. Will he become suicidal? I’m not even home to help.”

Divorce is something you do not anticipate when you get married, even though 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Most divorces happen before seven years of marriage, while only four percent happen after 10 years. People may wait until their children go to college to maintain stability while they are growing up. Parents should never feel guilty about divorce; your child wants both their parents to be happy, which may best occur in separate households.

While many students are relieved that their parents have split up, they can simultaneously experience a shock to their system. They may be deeply concerned about the disruption this will cause to the family and finances. Who will they stay with for winter breaks? Many students get caught in the middle, hearing about the stress each parent is experiencing. Even though students are away at school, be aware that family dynamics have a big impact on college students. According to the 2023 National College Health Assessment survey, 38 percent of students had problems or challenges with family in the last year.

For students who are already experiencing depression or anxiety, their symptoms can become worse. I encourage students who have more severe forms of depression and experience suicidal thoughts to let their parents know so they can get the support they need. Many students will not inform divorcing parents that they are struggling with serious mental health problems because they worry about burdening them.

If your child has mental health issues, let them know that you are available even if you are going through a hard time. If they are overwhelmed, you might want to schedule a family therapy session. With telehealth services, this can be done even while they are away at school. Sometimes, a college counselor might invite a parent into the session with the student’s consent.

Helping Your College Student Cope With Divorce

There are many steps you can take to help your child deal with your divorce.

1. Encourage your college student to see a campus therapist. Therapists are experienced in helping college students navigate a recent family divorce or ongoing problems with a past divorce.
2. Seek your own therapist if you find yourself making your child your sounding board. It is natural that you might want to open up to your child about your experience. Your intelligent and caring college student may listen even if they are feeling overwhelmed. Leave them the space for their own growth while you work with a therapist on yours.
3. Prepare your child financially. Not all divorces cause disruptions in family finances, but some divorces do. Advise your child to schedule a meeting at the financial aid office if they will need to take out additional loans.
4. Steer your college student toward focusing on their academics, friends, and personal development.
5. Keep your college student’s vacation time simple: Try to make visits home stress-free. Give them the freedom to decide which parent they want to visit and for how long.

College students will be affected by family dynamics, whether they are at home or at school. At the same time, children are often very resilient. Offer your child support in the face of parent divorce while encouraging them to focus on their college experience and their future. Reassure them that they and you will be OK.

©2024 Marcia Morris, all rights reserved. Details have been altered to protect patient privacy.