Is the Best Sex of Your Life Really Your Best Partner?

“I would not commit to somebody who was not the best sex I’ve ever had.” —A woman

“Our sex life is great, but my husband is not the best I’ve ever had. That entire phase of my life where I had crazy mind-blowing sex was so toxic, I could never go back there.” —A woman

In light of the significance of sexuality in romantic relationships, it is natural to assume that we would seek to stay with the best sex of our lives, and if we do not, we may forever regret it. Is this indeed the case?

Random Answers

Here are random answers (from Reddit) that women replied to the question: "Is the partner you're committed to 'the best sex of your life'?"

• “No. And that's ok, because the best sex of my life gave me so much emotional drama that it ended up in divorce.”
• “My husband is the best sex I've ever had. Full stop.”
• “Yes. I'd be lying if I said there weren't specific things that I enjoyed with previous partners more than I do with my husband, but overall my husband is the best sex I've ever had.”
• “Sex with my husband is out of this world. It’s just too good. I don't even know where I'm at anymore during sex with my husband.”
• “I married the man who least wanted to have sex with me as I did not want sex to be the essence of my life.”
• “I have been with my partner for six years and he is in the top three on my best sex list.”
• “Our sex was good in the beginning, sure. Was it mind blowing? No. It is now.”
• “My current partner is not the one who has made me orgasm the most, but he is the best in terms of chemistry and mutual desire.”
• “No. It's exciting sometimes, boring sometimes too. Also, a million miles away from being the best of my life, and that is fine too.”
• “Honestly no, but we are poly now, so it's okay. One person does not need to be absolutely everything to me.”
• “My ex was the best sex of my life. We would have sex seven days a week, on a slow week. But we weren't compatible in basically any other way. So though sex with him was mind-blowing, I honestly wish I had never met him.”
• “I personally can't recall ‘the best sex of my life’.”

The above answers express various attitudes toward staying with the best sex of your life. I focus here on two major issues underlying these answers: (a) what constitutes being the best in bed, and (b) the value of such sex in committed romantic relationships.

Technique and Intimacy

“I don’t think you’re supposed to marry the best sex of your life. My best sex was a (short) string of sexy foreign men in my twenties. Super passionate, a little dangerous; my mother would have never approved. I love that I have that to look back on, but I NEVER would have married those dumb, smoldering man candies.” —A woman

The elements constituting the “best sex of your life” differ from person to person. Nevertheless, there are a few main elements that are typically part of such experiences. Thus, Emily Morse argues that the best sex includes high degrees of the following key elements: foreplay, anticipation, sexual confidence, adventure and sharing the pleasure.

Two major aspects of being good in bed are knowledge-based technique and emotion-based intimacy. The technique refers to physical factors such as when, how and where to touch your partner, as well as mental factors, such as when, how and what to say to your partner. Emotion-based intimacy is more complex and includes deep closeness, associated with positive feelings of mutual belonging. Lack of intimacy is often associated with bad sex.

Sexual technique can be learned and improved through personal experience and study. However, intimacy is not something to be learned, but to be developed through greater closeness. A divorced woman described sex with her lover to be, “incredible, but far from natural, more like perfectly staged porn where he was the superstar. I got the impression from our many hours of love-making that the length of the encounter was important for his personal record. I felt that he did not see and hear me but acted in a mechanical and calculated manner.”

It is hard to fake sexual technique—you either know it or do not—but it is easier to acquire it through repetitive exercises and learning. It is easier to fake intimacy at the beginning of a relationship, but harder to feign it for a long time.

Staying With the Best Sex: “Nobody Does It Better”

“Nobody does it better… Baby, you're the best.” —Carly Simon

“My love does it good… Only my love does it good to me.” —Paul McCartney

There is no doubt that sex is usually valuable in romantic relationships. The more complex issue is the relative value of the best sex, rather than good or good enough sex, when considering the overall quality of the relationship.

In the citations above, Carly Simon says that her partner (the fictional character James Bond) is sexually the best, as nobody does it better. Paul McCartney is more modest: it is good enough for him that his wife, Linda, does it good for him. Indeed, the two spent three decades together before Linda sadly died. (Carly’s love life was more unstable: she was with her first husband, James Taylor, for 11 years, and her second, James Hart, for 20 years.)

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Being sexually the best is comparative, and highly dependent on external circumstances. The title “the best sex of your life” is fragile, since future partners may be even better. “Doing good to you” is a general attitude expressing the good enduring suitability between two partners. Having the best sex is more limited in time and scope and does not necessarily imply being generally good. The best (most profound) love is not identical to the best (most intense) sex.

If instead of “best,” we speak about “incredible”, its advantage over “good” is more obvious. Thus, when women were asked, “what makes sex go from ‘good’ to ‘incredible?'" one woman said that “good sex means always having at least one orgasm, being passionately, communicative about stuff we like or don't like. Incredible sex: all of the above and great, affectionate foreplay, including lots of personal kinks.” Another woman claimed that, “good sex means I have an orgasm, he has an orgasm. We all have orgasms. Incredible sex: foreplay and orgasms and aftercare. The before and the after set the entire tone” (Reddit).

This complexity is illustrated in the following hesitations of a divorced woman: “I’ve been dating a man for three months, and I’ve had the best sex with him in my rather rich sexual life. Despite his tender, sweet behavior in bed, outside the bedroom, he constantly annoys me. Should I leave him?” Although answering this question depends on contextual and personal factors, it is clear that incredible sexual behavior should not be the only factor to consider.

A Good-Enough Sexual Partner

“I married a man who was not the most romantic and athletic of my loves as a young woman, but he was the love of my life.” —A widow

In the same manner that we may accept a good enough romantic partner, we should accept a good enough sexual partner. Accepting a good-enough sexual or romantic partner implies that the person suits us even if the person has some flaws. In evaluating a sexual or romantic partner, we should focus on their suitability for us and not on the comparison with other possible partners. Although comparisons are unavoidable, what counts most in romantic and sexual relationships is the flourishing of both partners, which enables them to bring out the best in each other.

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