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Child Development
Early Emotional Neglect Can Hobble Adult Self-Discipline
Personalized structure is the missing element for the child and later the adult.
Posted June 20, 2023 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Those who struggle with self-discipline often judge themselves for not having better control over themselves.
- ADHD, depression, and anxiety can cause self-discipline problems. So can childhood emotional neglect.
- Parents who overlook their child's emotional needs often also overlook their child's disciplinary needs.
Waiting until the last minute to begin work reports.
Struggling to get yourself on the treadmill despite knowing how important it is.
Low motivation to clean up a messy house that’s driving you crazy.
Overindulging in ice cream, knowing you’ll regret it afterward.
Waiting and waiting to schedule an important doctor’s appointment, letting it hang over your head.
While these are just a few examples of the countless ways people battle to manage their impulses, I see time and time again in my therapy office that many of the bewildered folks who struggle this way are usually intelligent, competent, and good-hearted. It’s not that they are lazy or flawed, as many of them suspect. It’s simply that they have challenges with self-discipline—the ability to regulate and control themselves.
But why does this happen? People aren’t born with self-discipline. In fact, these skills are learned and are reliant on how we were parented as children. When our parents discipline us as they raise us, we internalize the ability to discipline ourselves as adults.
How Your Parents May Have Taught You Self-Discipline
- By saying no to candy or dessert.
- By making sure you dedicated time after school to homework, or by making sure you didn’t go out with your friends until your homework was completed.
- By giving you chores and making sure you followed through. By not doing it for you in times when you forgot. And especially by making you do your chore even when you were on the couch watching TV and didn’t want to.
- By reminding you to brush your teeth twice a day.
- By changing your curfew after you broke it. And by changing it back once you showed them you could follow it.
- By having family dinners. Perhaps your mom would call you in from playing outside and you moaned and groaned. While you may not have realized it at the time, you were learning to do important, healthy things, even when you don’t feel like it.
Children do not know how to override their desires naturally. They need guidance from their caregivers to foster their sense of self-discipline. The parental actions and responses above teach children many things, but most important of all is that they care. Having rules is like saying to your child, “What you do is important because you are important.” Children internalize the voices of their parents, and in adulthood continue to abide by the messages learned, whether they are aware of it or not.
Imagine, on the other hand, parents who did not model an appropriate dose of discipline to teach and encourage their children to regulate themselves. These children too often got dessert simply because they wanted it; didn’t have clear, set mealtimes or homework times; and lived without enough rules to follow. What happens to these children?
For me to answer that question, it’s important to talk about childhood emotional neglect.
Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood emotional neglect happens when parents fail to respond enough to their child’s emotional needs throughout upbringing. Emotionally neglectful parents don’t acknowledge, respond to, or validate their child’s feelings in times when the child needs them to. So…how does this relate to self-discipline?
While a lack of self-discipline may be caused by things like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, or anxiety, childhood emotional neglect is a cause that's seldom talked about. It’s not talked about because it’s invisible, unmemorable, and lives under the surface.
When parents are out of touch with their children’s feelings or attempt to avoid emotions in general, implementing healthy habits that often come with feelings of discomfort is not in their repertoire. Emotionally neglectful parents are unable to see their child's true nature and therefore are unable to provide a personalized set of rules or structures that fit their child's needs. This leads to the emotionally neglected child struggling with self-discipline. They battle with the humdrum of life, having difficulty completing tasks that are the least bit unfun or unrewarding. They may overspend, overdrink, and have trouble following a routine. The emotionally neglected were never given the chance to learn the two basic principles of self-discipline:
- Making yourself do things you don’t want to do.
- Stopping yourself from doing things you want to do but know you shouldn’t.
The Setup to a Lack of Self-Discipline in Adulthood
Children need help identifying, naming, understanding, expressing, and managing their emotions. Providing children with emotional attentiveness and structure helps them effectively manage their feelings. They simply cannot do this alone.
Well-meaning parents may think they are giving their children an appropriate amount of freedom or independence by a lack of rules, but they are actually emotionally neglecting them. Many parents have been emotionally neglected throughout their own upbringing and unknowingly continue the pattern. Many parents may believe that a lack of structure may also mean a lack of conflict, a way to keep the peace. Many parents don’t know that having difficult emotions, like the feelings of disappointment or sadness that often result from parents giving consequences, is actually helpful for their children to learn the essential emotion skills necessary for life.
Appropriate discipline takes effort and patience. Many parents may not have the time or are distracted by things like work, addiction, exhaustion, mental health issues, single-parenting, or financial concerns. These parents may let their children do as they please because they believe (1) their child can take care of things on their own or (2) their child will be happier with a lack of consequences.
If you knew you would help your child immensely (both in childhood and adulthood) by giving them chores, enforcing household rules and routines, and dishing out consequences, wouldn’t you do it? I hope so! Parents have the power to equip their children with the gift of self-discipline.
It’s Never Too Late to Foster Your Own Self-Discipline
If you notice you struggle with self-discipline, I urge you to reflect upon your own potential experience with childhood emotional neglect and the ripple effects it has on you today. You no longer need to drown in self-blame or be subject to your own wrath. The more you understand your own behavior and get in touch with the emotions that drive you, the clearer your path to better self-discipline will be.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
References
To determine if you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
