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Key points
- The phrase "I don't feel like it" is often a cover for other emotions and problems.
- Common issues are being emotionally driven, depression, medical problems, and not knowing how to do something.
- If this is a pattern, the key is drilling down to find and solve the problem underneath.
You undoubtedly hear this all the time: your daughter doesn’t want to do her math homework or clean her room because she doesn’t feel like it, your partner doesn’t feel like going out, or you’re not feeling like calling your mother, even though you know you should. “Don’t feel like it” is often a catch-all statement for a host of underlying issues. Here are the most common ones and their antidotes:
1. Shoulds vs. wants.
That you “should” call your mother is a tip-off that this is some rule imposed by someone else—your parents, your culture, or larger society—which prods you along with guilt. But shoulds are different from wants—that gut feeling where you want to call your mother because you’re worried about her or simply miss hearing her voice—and also different from values, which are your rules to live by based on how you, as an adult, believe you want to run your life and treat others. If regularly checking in with your mom is part of your values, it may not, on any given day, rise to the level of a want, but you won’t be nagged by any guilt.
Antidote: Sort through your shoulds and see which you want to dismiss, tweak, or transform into value.
2. Too difficult; I don’t know how.
This is a classic stance of teens. Often, when they say they don’t want to, they are really saying that they can’t, but in the face-saving teen world, the former is better.
Antidote: If you’re seeing this pattern, you want to drill down: “I’ve noticed that you say you don’t feel like doing your math homework a lot. Math can be tough, and I’m wondering if you’re having a hard time with it. I’m happy to help you if you are.”
This is a better approach than the inevitable power struggle or putting-your-foot-down approach. Sometimes, you may need to do that, but drilling down and finding the problem under the problem is usually more productive.
3. Being passive-aggressive.
Another incidence of patterns: Your partner says he doesn’t feel like going out. Usually, there’s an addendum—too tired, too expensive. Fine. But if it’s part of a pattern in which you suggest something and you’re nine times out of ten getting a thumbs down, you may wonder what’s happening. Don’t feel like it is often a watered-down version of no.
If this is indeed a pattern, it will quickly have significant harmful side effects. If you’re always initiating ideas, you are likely to get resentful that you are the one doing the heavy lifting to keep the relationship going. When shot down, you undoubtedly feel dismissed. On the other side, your partner is likely comfortable taking a passive role in relationships; he gets anxious about speaking up and saying what he thinks and feels, but, over time, this can lead to his feeling micromanaged and resentful that you’re the one always running the show.
Antidote: Again, talk about the pattern—about your always initiating, and maybe his feeling micromanaged. The challenge is to present this in a matter-of-fact way so that the conversation itself doesn’t trigger the pattern in which he feels scolded and anxious and shuts down. Say it and then back off, or even email and follow up. Focus on fixing the pattern, and avoid getting in the weeds of whose reality is right.
4. Medical problems.
My mother-in-law is 96 years old, lives alone, and is more or less independent. But my wife has noticed that her mother, who was always an avid cook, has repeatedly said she doesn’t feel like cooking or eating. We’re wondering if it is about appetite, energy, or mentally having trouble simply cooking.
Antidote: It is time to medically drill down to see if there are some physical or cognitive issues impeding energy or causing physical problems.
5. Depression.
My mother-in-law may also be struggling with depression. Those with depression “don’t feel like it” most of the time. Not only is there often a sapping of energy, but an accompanying why-bother-it-doesn’t-matter attitude to doing most things: The world is gray; you’re going through the motions.
Antidote: It’s easy to fall into a depressive cycle in which your depression makes your world smaller and increasingly depressing, which in turn further fuels your depression. It's time to break the cycle by a combination of medication, therapy, or doing despite feeling you don’t feel like it.
6. Being emotionally driven.
I do what I do based on how I feel is the mainstay for many. It’s not about depression or shoulds but being emotionally driven. In my experience, those with anxiety or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) seem particularly prone to this. Those with anxiety are understandably trying to scoot around their anxiety: Anxiety makes everything feel important, so they easily feel overwhelmed, and then avoid what makes them anxious, staying with what makes them feel safe. Those with ADHD are drawn to that which is stimulating without being overwhelming—a new idea, a video game—and push away or procrastinate about what is boring or difficult—paperwork on the job, doing their tax return.
The problem in both these situations is that the byproducts of their emotionally-driven behaviors accumulate. Those with anxiety are not tackling problems that cause them to feel anxious—e.g., talking to their supervisor about a raise or to their partner about chores—while those with ADHD are missing deadlines, feeling scattered, not completing tasks, and running into trouble in their relationships.
Antidote: Tacking the underlying problems—anxiety and ADHD directly with medication, organizational skills, and counseling.
The theme here is phrases like "Don’t feel like it" or the now old-school “Whatever” blot over underlying emotions. If you hear them often, it’s a sign of underlying problems that maybe it’s time to address.
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