Talking to Your Teen About Drugs: Why Magic Words Fail Us

Earlier this year, Professor Jennifer Kam and associates at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign published a survey study on over 500 middle school aged kids on parent-child communication regarding drugs. One of the surprising findings in the survey, published in the journal of Human Communications Research, was that the children of parents who disclosed their own drug use were less likely to have “antisubstance-use perceptions.” This was widely interpreted by media as “don’t tell your kids about your own drug use.”

Oh, just great. The results of the study, although correlational and not causal, seem to defy conventional wisdom about parental honesty and openness.

Under the backdrop of shifting attitudes towards drug policy, and vague one-liners from media, what exactly are parents supposed to say to their children about drugs these days? Throw in a deluge of popular, and presumably well-intentioned, “one size fits all” parenting tactics from a host of sources that mostly have experience with their own kids only (“see how awesome and balanced they are, yeah it was me”), and it’s easy to see why many parents feel lost.

The problem here does not lie with Professor Kam’s research. The problem lies with our hipsterism, our heuristics, and our preference for one-liners over a deeper, nuanced understanding. The problems arise when we confuse well-intended intuition, political correctness, and idealized images of parents and children as best friends with the sacred hard work and consistency required as a parent.

Parenting advice nowadays is no different than advice on topics like exercise and nutrition. Seemingly contradictory articles appear all the time on the best way to exercise and how much of which and what food to eat. For example, based on headlines alone, I would have no idea year to year if I am supposed to do cardio first then weights or to cycle them or if I should eat kale chips then high five my kid before or after I do pushups.

What I do know is that many individuals who get in shape and stay in shape adopt a culture of healthy living. This encompasses everything from lifestyles to attitudes and discipline, certainly more than just the right exercises or diet. There are many roads to the same destination, but the underlying commitment and efforts are universal. Parenting advice likewise must evolve past superficial tactics, magical words, and misappropriated adages that feel good but don’t work in times of crisis. We need to surrender our reliance on technique alone and have a frank discussion about our parenting culture. When it comes to drug talks, here are some really important variables that aren’t mentioned enough.

First of all, before communicating anything to children, parents should to be mindful of their child and their family’s unique risks for developing problematic drug use. That may include the obvious, like current drug use in the home or a family history of drug problems. Risks definitely include certain mental health concerns and certain early behavioral problems in the child or teen, but there’s more.

Over the past few decades, there has been a plethora of research data regarding drug use in teens and correlating factors, from social popularity and part-time jobs to whether the parents drive without seatbelts and how each of these factors correlate to teen drug use. This data is not always easy to interpret and even harder to make sense of cohesively. However, the point is that every child has a different risk profile for early drug use. Even without specifics, a general awareness of inherent risk factors should give parents pause before adopting a blanket communication strategy about drugs.

A couple of caveats should be mentioned. We are horrible at evaluating ourselves; just ask the 94% of professors who rate themselves as “above average.” A third-party professional can help families get at least a ballpark idea of their risk, in much the same way a primary care physician can evaluate a person’s risk for heart disease based on data.

I am also not suggesting that families with perceived lower risk become lax in their messaging; risk is not certainty, after all. I am asked all the time about things like whether an older teenager should be allowed to have a little wine at Thanksgiving. It should be obvious now that there is no "one" answer for this scenario.

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In addition to context, parents need to invest in a culture of leadership in their homes. For whatever reason, both the terms “culture” and “leadership” have become less popular over the years with parenting experts. I can’t recall the last popular parenting advice article that even used the word culture. I have encountered some parents who are openly suspect of terms like leadership. I suppose they incorrectly associate leadership with the old school tactics of a bygone era. These might be the same parents who mistake their child’s precocious intellect with wisdom and emotional maturity, who knows. But a culture of leadership is the key. Here’s why:

Culture can be loosely defined as a set of shared attitudes, beliefs, and values that shape behavior for groups of people. Football teams, companies, countries, and families all have distinct cultures. Family cultures take time to develop; it’s a lot like an investment. Parents who invest in their family culture can draw from those investments in times of need. Parents without such investments often use the same words, the same phrases, and similar approaches with far less success. It’s like that Dog Whisperer show where the owners are saying the right things, but their dog keeps pooping on the carpet. I’m not stating that our children are pets to be trained, simply that we too often focus on what we should or shouldn’t say to our kids as opposed to appreciating what kind of culture we have instilled as a foundation.

In the end, kids are very sensitive to messaging. Most research on drug use converges on one truth: How a young person interprets messages about drugs predicts their future likelihood to use drugs. A culture of leadership is the only way to model and consistently make clear our expectations and messages about drugs. Parents who are leaders can still be compassionate, understanding, and hip. Their children know clearly how their parents feel about important issues, and the roles they play for one another are equally discernible.

I have helped a number of good parents with solid skills that have still seen their children succumb to addiction despite solid relationships and messaging, so we must note the limits of our influence as parents. However, parents are still the most powerful tools for curbing early drug use. And in that spirit, we must help parents become the CEOs of their homes as opposed to becoming hostage negotiators or wordsmiths. That requires a paradigm shift in our parenting discussions to matters of greater substance.

Joseph Lee M.D. is a triple boarded physician and the medical director for Hazelden's youth services. He is the author of "Recovering My Kid: Parenting Young Adults in Treatment and Beyond." Find updates from Dr. Lee by signing onto twitter or facebook.

All content copyright Joseph Lee M.D.

Photo courtesy of Hazelden

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