How to Raise Elderly Parents

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There's a definitive moment for most of us when we abruptly realize the parent-child dynamic has irrevocably changed.

For me, it was 2023 when my dad used his table saw without the blade guard and lopped off the end of his index finger. While awaiting the ambulance after calling 911, he wrapped his hand and cleaned up the blood with his five-fingered limb so the paramedics wouldn't track it all over the garage floor.

Meanwhile, my terminally ill, paralyzed mom was stuck in her medical bed with no phone access. Dad avoided telling us until we later noticed his triaged war hand.

There's no formal plan for managing the new role of caring for aged parents for the 53 million who spend, on average, 24 hours a week caring for ill, disabled, or older family members or friends.¹ Though research suggests longer life spans over the coming decades, aging parents likely won't be more safe from demen­tia, diabetes, or other debilitating diseases.

But there are steps you can take to ease the challenges of caretaking. It will cost time, money, and certain aspects of your freedom. The same sacrifices they likely made for you.

How to Know When Your Parents Need Help

Probably long before they admit to it or ask. The basic rule is that when someone can't care for themselves, they need help. Their challenges may be physical or cognitive. Aging parents, in general, don't want advice or direction from their adult kids.

I've had to accept that my old man will continue to treat me as his child even in middle age, reminding me that "he's forgotten more than I'll ever know." Maybe - but I still have all my fingertips.

If not for adding a cellphone to my plan for my dad, I'd never be able to reach them as they live hours away with no landline. However, he often won't reply for 24 hours or more, which is profoundly worrisome.

But, if I were to call the police for a welfare check, he'd be livid. It's a delicate balance, between allowing them independence while wondering if their cat is eating them.

How to Have 'The Conversation' With Elderly Parents

These talks can be emotional with obstinacy that rivals that of a teen. Try not to lecture or blame. Ask questions like, I noticed not much food in the fridge; can I have some healthy prepared meals delivered? How's driving going for you? Or, Tell me why you're not socializing like you used to. Or Are you open to accepting some help?

Conversely, avoid accusatory statements, such as Wear your hearing aids instead of blasting the TV so the neighbors hear it through the walls. Or, Your driving scares the hell out of me; I'm reporting you to the DMV. (Tip: You can confidentially report concerns to any state DMV for driver reexamination.)

Every local area of the country has resources you can tap into. Be sure to involve your parents in their care plan actively. Pick your battles and prioritize your involvement in decisions with the biggest impact, such as major healthcare or financial decisions.

Pick your battles.
Nope. That's too many.
Put some battles back.

What Are Their Living Situation Options?

Everyone's situation is unique. First, you must assess your willingness and availability, the finances available to help, and your aging parent's needs and wishes.

If your parents want to stay home with help, you can retain a caregiving service ranging from part-time to live-in. Or, if it's time to move them to assisted living or nursing care, there are reputable review services to vet a quality care option.

Also, consider a medical alert system for peace of mind, especially if you don't live near your aging parents. A life alert system is a device your parent wears that can call 911, a system monitor, or a designated loved one 24/7. Many wearable alert systems also have fall sensor monitors. Medicaid and the Veterans Administration cover the cost, but it's usually an out-of-pocket expense for others.

Family Dynamics Essential Reads

What to Say to Someone Who Is Experiencing Estrangement

10 Things to Know About Grandparenting From a Distance

We used to mock those Life Alert "I've fallen and can't get up" commercials until it was our parents on the floor.

Seek Financial Support for Caregiving Expenses

Financial resources are available to adult children caring for aging parents to meet some costs. These include becoming a paid caregiver via your county, deducting your parents as dependents, or deducting some of their medical expenses. Reducing the financial burdens of caregiving will decrease your stress and anxiety.

Talk to your parents about appointing an agent or attorney-in-fact who can conduct legal, financial, and medical affairs on their behalf so limits are set and they don't end up broke. Present the power-of-attorney discussion around health, finances, and the consequences of running out of cash.

If you're handling everything else, you should probably have the power of attor­ney too. Just ensure someone does before your parents expe­rience a decline in their mental health, making them more resis­tant to change. At this stage, power of attorney is the only superpower that matters.

Lastly, Accept Your Limitations as a Caregiver

Seeing a parent yield to the effects of time can be haunting and unsettling. It's even worse if the decline is hastened by cancer, dementia, or similar illness. Acknowledge the loneliness of your changing relationship with them. And take time to grieve. Repeatedly.

Caring for elderly parents is often hard, thankless work that's taken for granted by those around you. Don't discount your own health and needs to focus solely on an aging parent.

Caring for parents can also affect relationships between brothers and sisters. For some, the experience of caring for parents can bring together siblings who have lost contact, thereby strengthening familial ties.

For others, it can summon old rivalries or communication issues. These problems are common. A support group, long-term care manager, therapist, or religious leader can help you find ways to manage the demands.

There is no perfect way to care for an elderly parent except with the most love and patience you can muster on that particular day.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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