How to Receive Bad News

Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels

A clinical study by researchers at the University of Cincinnati found that 85 percent of what subjects worried about never occurred. Of the 15 percent that materialized, 79 percent of subjects discovered they could handle it well.¹ The universe is on your side.

People often say, “Bad things occur in threes.” But there are no inevitable groupings. No one suffering a divorce or layoff also wants to await the other two setbacks of the “bad things come in threes triad” arriving at the speed of fate or karma.

Q: What travels faster than the speed of light?
A: Bad news.

So goes the wholly subversive aura of receiving bad news. It can arrive in droves and permeate every cell in a cataclysmic upheaval of the sanities until you are reduced to basic survival, with only the bleakest disposition left to guide you. It’s not uncommon to feel like you’ve lost everything, while what’s left hardly matters. But, you can still hope for the Disney ending while prepping for a Stephen King finale.

The Brain’s Four F’s of Self-Preservation: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Forget

Now Entering: State of Denial
Population: 1

In shocking moments, our brains shift to a self-preserving form of denial where the logic-loving prefrontal cortex can shut down. This allows the amygdala, the blaring alarm system part of the brain, to take over. It’s the part that gives us the big feelings. These feelings are so big, in fact, that the blood rushes there and away from the rest of our brain where we logically think things through, leading to mental paralysis (aka “freeze”).

We also have fight and flight, which you may already know about. “Forget” rounds out the fourth F and entails a kind of giving up—like when you tell yourself, “I’m too full for dessert.”

A Summation of the Four F’s

1. Fight: to make it go away (though it makes us more aggressive in the long-term).
2. Flight: to avoid (which adds to more anxiety later).
3. Freeze: to dissociate, hide, and shut down.
4. Forget: to give up (an unhealthy, unhelpful response).

Immediately Start Some Radical Acceptance

Consciously maintain awareness of your current situation as a transient state in which you are not helpless. Normal acceptance is like saying, “it is what it is” over life’s trivialities and not letting them upset you further. Radical acceptance requires more mental vigor. It’s akin to accepting that your partner just cleared out your bank accounts and ran off to Ibiza with your pool boy, Brock, ‘cause he’s rad.

Always preface bad news by reminding people they can eat frosting straight from the container.

Radical acceptance turns the unbearable into the ordinary. Radically accept that when big news hits, you cannot mentally process it all at once because it’s often too much to handle. It’s a mental Slip ’N Slide. Sit with what’s happening without trying to deny or control the outcome. Acceptance is your only way out and through.

Accepting something is not the same as labeling it good or even okay. It’s an intentional mind shift that requires an act of choice, where you turn your focus toward acceptance and skip past rejection and denial of reality. And it requires an internal commitment—not once, but relentlessly.

Oftentimes you must ruthlessly commit to this level of acceptance every minute until it begins to take hold. Blind acceptance is tough, but fighting something ominously painful is harder.

Process Your Reactions to Bad News

Start by practicing self-compassion. It might sound trite but is rigorously researched. We’re often the last ones we’re nice to. There are multiple ways to practice self-compassion, several of which are quick and easy. Simply place a hand over your heart for a few breaths and enjoy the gentle warmth.

This gesture alone can shut down the four F’s and turn on what researchers call “rest and digest” where our bodies and brains chill-out and reset themselves. This kind of gentle touch is also helpful with falling asleep. Or reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. As self-conscious as it may feel, give it a try while alone.

Resilience Essential Reads

How to Raise Resilient Kids

Shattering the Illusion of Invincibility in Black Women

What would Oprah say to you?

Consider the words and tone with which you speak to yourself when you receive bad news. Are you self-critical and demeaning, and do you blame yourself for the outcome? The more anxious you are, the more likely that is the case. Can you try offering yourself supportive words in a reassuring tone, the very same you might offer a friend or even a child who is similarly awaiting news? It’s not the job of others to love and care for you. It’s yours. Talk to yourself the way you would a puppy you just met.

Shake It Till You Make It

Several years ago, researchers started to notice that animals, whether in the wild or domesticated, would shake themselves out after getting into a fight. What’s more, animals don’t seem to develop anxiety disorders and PTSD the way humans often do.²

Scientists began wondering if there was a connection between this semi-voluntary shaking behavior and staving off anxiety. Several theories exist as to the reason for the post-brawl shimmy and, while they are still being researched, there are some promising leads regarding the benefits of deliberately shaking our bodies to manage stress.

Doves don’t shake. This is why doves cry.

Intentional shaking can reset and soothe your nervous system by using the body’s natural response to lower anxiety. It does this by intentionally activating involuntary shaking to release the stress you experience during instances of extreme anxiety or fear. It’s the full-body version of “SMH.”

Here’s How SMB (Shaking My Body) Works:

1. Begin by standing still, just noticing how your body feels in this position of stillness. Take a few breaths and then swing your arms up over your head.
2. With arms above you, begin just shaking out your hands for a minute or so.
3. Add in arm movements, shaking your arms, shoulders, and hands all at once. You might feel like an inflatable tube man at a car dealership.
4. Next add in your head, shaking it lightly, but using safe movements that won’t strain your neck. You’re not a PEZ dispenser.
5. Move the shaking down through your body to include your hips. #Twerk.
6. Lastly, add in your legs, shaking each one, and then your feet as well. “You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around…”
7. Now just let your entire body become still. Notice any changes in how your body and mind are feeling. You may now rejoin society.

Tap Into Support

“Hello, my name’s Jon, and you can’t harsh my mellow.”

There are support groups where people laugh and cry and care for each other, and where everyone feels awkward the first time they go and are later glad they went. There’s a group for every addiction, malady, disease, compulsion, and adversity imaginable. From ataxia and anxiety to SIDS and compulsive sexual behaviors, there’s an assembly of supporters who know what you’re going through and want to welcome you.