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Relationships
3 Explanations for Why Your Date Might Be Paper-Clipping You
If a date is paper-clipping you, you're likely not the problem. Here's why.
Posted May 23, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Paper-clipping involves popping up sporadically in someone’s life with no intention of meaningful connection.
- Reasons for paper-clipping include fear of intimacy, need for validation, and lack of self-awareness.
- The key to more successful relationships lies in meaningful connection, effort, and consistency from partners.
Have you ever been on a few dates with someone, only to find that the connection fizzles out or they suddenly vanish without explanation? Perhaps you’ve noticed a pattern: After a few weeks or even months, that person resurfaces, initiating conversation once more, only to disappear again soon after. This likely leads to a cycle of intermittent contact and superficial conversation.
Sadly, this is part of the modern dating trend of “paper clipping." Just like Microsoft’s infamous virtual assistant “Clippy” would pop up at seemingly random and often unnecessary times, someone who is paper-clipping pops up sporadically and unexpectedly in someone’s life without any real intention to pursue a meaningful connection with them.
Much like Clippy’s interruptions, being paper-clipped can feel intrusive, disruptive, and emotionally confusing for the person on the other end, as they may initially interpret their attention as genuine interest. However, this behavior is usually just a means of keeping someone on standby without investing much time or effort into the relationship.
Over time, such relationships and conversations become impossible to trust—and with good reason. Interactions with a paper clipper most often do not lead anywhere real, as there are no plans to follow through on meeting again or allowing the relationship to progress in any way.
Here are three reasons why people engage in “paper clipping,” according to research.
1. A Fear of Intimacy
Some individuals engage in paper clipping because they fear committing to a serious relationship and the emotional vulnerability that would require of them. They may crave connection but struggle to be authentically present in relationships and resort to paper clipping as a way to maintain emotional distance.
Here’s why insecure attachment styles play a key role in understanding such behavior:
- Anxious attachment: Individuals with this attachment style crave intimacy and fear abandonment. They may engage in paper clipping to maintain a connection with someone they’re interested in, seeking reassurance and validation through sporadic contact. However, their fear of rejection may lead them to withdraw easily.
- Avoidant attachment: Such individuals value their independence and engage in paper clipping as a way to maintain their autonomy while fulfilling their desire for intimacy. They may enjoy the initial stages of a relationship but become overwhelmed when the relationship starts to progress and demands more emotional investment, which makes them retreat to avoid feeling trapped or suffocated.
- Anxious-avoidant attachment: Individuals with anxious-avoidant attachment styles desire closeness but also fear it. This internal conflict can lead to ambivalent behaviors in relationships where they engage in brief moments of connection without fully committing or risking emotional exposure.
2. A Strong Need for Validation
Paper clipping can serve as a source of attention or validation for the person engaging in it. Knowing that they have someone interested in them can boost their self-esteem without requiring them to invest deeply in the relationship.
In some cases, paper clipping can also be a way for individuals to exert power or control in a relationship. By keeping someone on standby, they maintain a sense of control over the level of emotional investment in the relationship, dictating when and how the interaction progresses, which again serves to fuel their sense of worth.
People with an unstable self-concept or low self-esteem may especially engage in such behavior to reassure themselves of their worth, even if they’re not interested in a deeper connection.
Paper clipping behavior is often used to ensure that one is remembered and valued by others. They may prioritize receiving external validation over forming genuine connections, using intermittent contact to maintain a sense of relevance in the other person’s life.
3. A Lack of Self-Awareness
Sometimes, individuals may engage in paper clipping because they’re uncertain or indecisive about their own feelings or intentions. They might genuinely like a person but feel unsure about wanting a committed relationship, so they keep them around while they figure things out, which, in the end, hurts both people.
Additionally, individuals who are emotionally unavailable to themselves or not in touch with their own emotions, values, and needs may struggle to form meaningful connections with others or be a consistent presence in their lives. Their pattern of reaching out sporadically reflects their internal conflict and uncertainty about themselves and their own goals.
Just as users eventually grew frustrated with Clippy’s interruptions and sought ways to disable or bypass them, the modern dating world is growing tired of being paper-clipped. The key to more successful relationships lies in cutting out the paper-clippers and inviting in meaningful connection, effort, and consistency from romantic partners.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
