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Key points
- Parents can feel overwhelmed when children say things like "I hate you" or "I wish I was dead."
- Take a breath, stay calm, and respond to the emotion the child is trying to express.
- With your empathy and support, children will learn to express their emotions in a less dramatic way.
What are you saying?
Parents can easily feel overwhelmed when children say things such as, “I wish I was dead,” “I hate my sister,” or “I’m going to kill you.” These words can easily arouse feelings of terror, rage, worry, and helplessness in us.
We often punish children for using these words, demand they stop talking like this, coax them to speak more nicely, or tell them what they really intend to say (“We don’t use the word ‘hate’ in our family… You don’t mean that… You love your sister… Go to your room until you can talk decently.”) Or we leap into high gear, insisting with our own overloaded emotions that they tell us exactly what they mean and why they are saying that.
These responses can’t reach a child who is in such an overloaded state, and our own emotional flooding is likely to increase the child’s emotional pressure. Then they may dig in and keep repeating the words that had such a dramatic impact. We, in turn, may panic and react as if our child is at serious risk for suicide or homicide.
That is seldom the case.
What this strong language means
In young children, this type of language is almost always an expression of a strong emotion that the child has no other way to express. Their mind reaches around their relatively small bank of words and experiences to find a way to convey what’s inside them. They typically land on the most intense expression they can find. Of course, this is not a conscious effort, but rather happens automatically, because the more logical pathways of the brain are “offline” due to the high emotion.
How to respond
This understanding of what’s behind the terrible language can lead us to a more helpful response. It starts with: “That’s a very strong way to say…”
Here are some examples:
- “That’s a very strong way to say you’re angry.”
- "That’s a very strong way to let me know how sad you are.”
If you aren’t sure what feeling the child is struggling to express, you can say, “Those are such strong words, they really show me you are feeling a lot right now.”
It is important to offer these responses in a way that is at the same time both calm and empathic. We want to convey with our voice and body language and words: I really see how you are suffering, and also: I can handle these big emotions, and I can help you handle them too.
It’s also important that our response has some emotional strength in it—not just a robotic, “I see you are mad,” but a strong reflection of what you see them trying to express: “I REALLY get it how SUPER mad you are! Grrr!”
We can follow up by offering to help our children brainstorm some other ways to express those feelings, but we can’t require or force these “better” expressions. The most important thing is how we hear what they are saying, how we understand that the scariness or badness of the words is just a signal of the intensity of the feeling. If the feelings were able to be expressed “nicely,” then the child would have used those nice ways. In this moment, they couldn’t.
When children use extreme language, It is also very helpful to look within deeply to see if you have missed or ignored less intense ways that the child expressed themselves. This is often the case. Parents often say that their children don’t listen unless the parents yell. Well, the same is often true for children. They often feel that they can’t get their parents’ attention unless they are very dramatic. No need to beat yourself up about this; just increase your efforts to listen and accept what you hear. Remember that acceptance does not mean agreeing. When a child says terrible (and untrue) things about you or their siblings or their life, then you can listen with respect and care, and reflect back what you heard without correcting them.
What if it is more serious?
There are extreme cases when a child’s use of suicidal or homicidal language is a more serious signal of emotional distress, which requires more intervention than “That’s a strong way to say….” How do you know when it’s one of the extreme cases, where there really is a risk of serious harm, not just an attempt to express the inexpressible?
- Usually when these words are a serious expression of risk, there are other signs of emotional distress as well, such as behavior disturbances or ongoing periods of sadness or anger.
- Even if you are not sure how seriously to take the words, try using this method first. It only takes a moment, and if it restores the child’s emotional balance and improves the communication between you, then you have your answer that it is not an extreme case of high risk.
- If treating the words as an attempt to share a powerful emotion doesn’t help, then seek a professional opinion from someone you trust. It is most helpful to find someone who will not rush to extreme interventions just based on those words, but who will do a full and careful evaluation first. At the same time, you will need someone who does not dismiss your concerns or call it a “phase.”
Older children
I have focused so far on younger children, where such intense words are almost always a developing mind’s fumbling attempts to find the right words to express an emotion. In older children and adolescents this is still the most common reason for such language, and the same method of responding can still be used. Of course, with an older age comes more potential for harm, so there is more need to carefully consider if there is a serious risk.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
