The Challenge of the Ego and Taking Things Personally

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Don’t take anything personally.” Yet, those of us who struggle with disappointment, frustration, or anger tend to take things very personally. Led by the ego, we may forget that we are not at the center of the universe. If we are attached to the idea that we are central to everything, it becomes all about “me, me, me,” and we most likely will experience conflicts, anger, and other uncomfortable emotions.

The Problem of the Ego

When you take things personally, you allow many issues to consume your well-being. This way of thinking exhausts your energy with little good and a lot of stress and anxiety. The amount of worry, anger, and suffering you experience in your life is proportional to your sense of self-importance. Whatever you include as part of “me” or “mine” is part of the ego’s domain. The ego causes you to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It is driven by short-term gratification and avoids long-term fulfillment. Controlled by the ego, you crave the material rewards this world has to offer, and, at the same time, you fear losing what you’ve obtained.

The ego in the context of this post refers to a person's sense of self-importance, identification, or attachment. The problem is that when we become attached to who we think we are and then try to convince others that this is who we are as well, we create a prison for ourselves. The ego can present challenges in various aspects of life. Here are some common problems associated with the ego and when we take things personally:

• Overestimated ego: When we have an inflated ego, we exhibit self-centeredness, superiority, and a lack of compassion for others. This magnified ego can harm our decision-making and cause us to become arrogant and entitled. In this manner, we experience many conflicts and difficulties in life and relationships.
• Delicate ego: Unlike an inflated ego, a fragile ego is easily injured and overly sensitive to judgment, criticism, and failure. Individuals with a delicate ego may struggle with anxiety, self-doubt, and insecurity, often seeking validation and approval from others.
• Defensive attitude: Because of its fragile mindset, the ego also becomes defensive, particularly when one's self-image, safety, or beliefs are threatened. This protective behavior prevents vulnerability and humility, which results in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
• Negative comparison: The ego tends to compare oneself to others and is involved in competitive behavior. Continuous comparison can lead to a sense of inferiority or superiority, depending on the results. The person with such an ego experiences a volatile emotional state that depends on external circumstances, outcomes, and performances.
• Identity attachment: The ego often forms attachments to particular identities, such as roles, positions, classifications, or achievements. These attachments can be rigid and hinder personal growth and flexibility. The bigger the ego, the greater the resistance to change as it is a threat to self-identify.

The Remedy to the Ego

The solution to dealing with the ego is to understand it and its motives and to develop a healthy relationship with it. This also requires balancing self-worth with humility, maintaining a healthy sense of self-worth, and cultivating compassion for oneself and others.

The way to deal with the ego healthily is not to take things personally. Unbalanced emotional states are by-products of self-centeredness, so once you decrease the attachment to your ego, anxiety and worry will naturally diminish, which results in a greater level of well-being.

The antidote to ego control is doing the opposite, which is not taking things personally. In addition, by letting go of all the masks society and culture gave us and the ones we manufacture, we allow ourselves to become who we really are. Not taking things personally and removing our masks can be challenging, but they are powerful ways to establish mental welfare and healthy relationships. Here are some strategies to help you avoid taking things personally and be more authentic:

• Separate facts from interpretations. When something takes place that upsets you, distinguish between the facts of the event and the judgment you have about the situation. Reevaluate your assumptions and interpretations and ask yourself, Is what you think true? Is there concrete evidence that supports your analysis? Is it possible that you are missing the point?
• Focus on your self-worth. Having a sense of self-worth means that you value yourself and that you are worthy. As such, avoid judging yourself harshly or having a low opinion of yourself; don’t focus on your mistakes and shortcomings but, rather, focus on your abilities and strengths. Also, remind yourself of your positive qualities and values.
• Identify your triggers. Be aware of situations or issues that tend to trigger your ego and create uncomfortable feelings. Recognizing your triggers and understanding their roots can help you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to respond more calmly and wisely to the triggering situation.
• Mind your own “business." The way that others behave toward you is their own business. The way you feel and behave is your business and your responsibility. This attitude can help you depersonalize the situation and avoid assuming that everything is about you.
• Practice meditation. Meditation can help develop awareness of the ego and its impact on thoughts, emotions, and behavior. By observing the ego without judgment, we can gain awareness of its patterns and tendencies, allowing for larger options in choosing how to respond to situations.
• Avoid comparison. The more we compare ourselves to others, the worse we feel about ourselves. To mitigate the negative effects of comparison, it's important to cultivate self-awareness, personal responsibility, and proactivity. Once we take our focus off others and put it back on ourselves, we start to turn things around with our lives.
• Remove your masks. Removing a mask requires you first to become aware that you are wearing one/many. After you become aware of it, understand why you are wearing the mask and how it serves you. Then, you can gradually remove the armor or mask you wear to become more vulnerable. With time, your uneasiness or hurt will diminish, bringing you closer to your authentic self.
• Give and be generous. When we make a positive contribution to those around us, we make a difference that allows us to connect to something bigger than ourselves. Being generous and giving to others provides a sense of self-value. It also promotes greater meaning and fulfillment.
• Cultivate compassion. Acting with care is to embody kindness, compassion, and gentleness. Caring actions flow naturally when we cultivate compassion for others, and compassion for others is built on a foundation of compassion for ourselves. This, in turn, builds greater humility and self-worth.
• Live in the present. Practice mindfulness and stay in the present moment. These practices move you away from the losses of the past and the worry of the future. To be present is to be mindful of what is going on here and now—to fully immerse yourself in the river of experience.
• Promote a growth mindset. People who have a growth mindset embrace challenges and see “failures” as opportunities for learning. They believe that even if they struggle, their abilities aren’t set in stone. They can help loosen the grip of ego-based identity and attachments and know that, with work, they can improve.

Understanding the impact of a self-centered view gives you a new way to work with your ego and negative emotions. Once you recognize how the ego can hinder your well-being, you can become less self-centered. You can act with humility and kindness. You can give to others, show gratitude, and practice sending thoughts of goodwill to friends, strangers, and the difficult people in your life. As you do so, your self-referential thoughts take a back seat, allowing you to experience a greater level of peace and happiness.