Alternatives to Spanking for Cycle-Breaking Parents

This is part II in a series. Read part I here.

The social media debate around spanking centers around a false dichotomy. It’s presented as “spank your kids or spoil them.”

Cycle-breaking and post-raumatic parenting educators like me are seen as permissive, wishy-washy, and condoning kids to behave inappropriately, with no limits. There’s this idea that if a parenting approach is responsive, gentle, and conscious, that it must be permissive and boundary-less.

What if there are better ways to teach kids prosocial behavior, emotion regulation, to tolerate frustration and discomfort, and to be better citizens of their families, school communities, and larger societies than harsh punishment?

What if those of us who want to be responsive also are aware that we have an obligation to be responsible—to teach kids all sorts of social and emotional competencies—and that we’ve learned that punishment isn’t the best way to do it? What if current research findings on neurodevelopment and child psychology bear these out?

Then, what we come up with is a parenting plan that is responsive and responsible.

Maybe it isn't - spank or spoil. That's a false dichotomy! Maybe responsive parents can also be responsible, using research-verified techniques to teach kids self-regulation, self-control, and how to be productive citizens of families, peer groups, and classrooms. What if there's a better way?

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In the last installment, we introduced the first two alternatives to spanking: teaching a stop signal and using natural and logical consequences. We discussed two problems: the need to keep kids safe and the need to teach kids prosocial alternatives to unwanted behavior.

Problem 3: If the behavior isn’t immediately shut down, children won’t learn to behave.

When we know that a child is going to be in an overstimulating or threatening environment, when we’re aware that there will be many opportunities for social errors, dysregulation, and overstimulated/silly behavior, we want to coach the child beforehand in coping tools.

Solution 3: Preload Self-Control

It’s going to be very loud in there, and you might want to get very silly. When that happens, come back and check in with me, so we can keep your sillies safe.

Grandma might give you a present—and you might not like it. Here’s what you can say to Grandma, and then later, you and I will figure out how to solve that problem (hint: I might trade you a different gift if you’re able to simply say thank you to Grandma).

I know that you are so excited to go to the waterpark! You’re going to want to run from ride to ride because there’s too much excitement in your body. It’s dangerous to run in waterparks. Let’s figure out how to wiggle in place so you don’t break the water park rules or hurt yourself.

Even if the child doesn’t learn the skill right away, their brain was cognizant of what the appropriate response and behavior would be. This time, they didn’t quite manage to utilize that skill, but they know about it and are on the path to learning it.

Problem 4: There’s no time for self-regulation.

Self-regulation can’t be taught via punishment. All punishment and spanking can do is trigger a polyvagal freeze response, where the child shuts down or dissociates. That doesn’t teach self-regulation, it teaches the opposite. It encourages more outbursts and conflict, because freeze just stuffs the behaviors down, sort of sweeps them under the rug of the psyche. The problems are not resolved, they’re lurking. As soon as the next stressor comes, all of that stress will rear its ugly head, and there will be an even greater explosion.

Solution 4: Create a “safe space” to go to when feeling dysregulated.

When we teach children to notice big emotions rising in their bodies, and we teach them what to do about it—name it, claim it, tame it, progressive muscle relaxation or deep breathing to control an overactive adrenal response, interoceptive training so they can accurately read the signals their bodies are sending them, managing their self-talk and making impulses more conscious, so they can decide if they want to act on them—we are teaching them to be active participants in their own self-regulation. Ultimately, the goal of parenting isn’t to control our kids, it’s to help them learn self-control.

A safe space is a low-input, low-stimulation environment with soothing (or appropriately activating and engaging activities) that allows a child to restore a sense of being at home in their body. I’ve seen families use a cupboard under the stairs, a closet, a landing, or a bedroom as a safe space. Stocking it with tools like weighted blankets, fidget toys, a “lovey” or other calming item, coloring supplies, or almost anything the child finds regulating is helpful.

Punishment Essential Reads

A Curious Question About Physical Punishment of Children

Why Do Children Punish Unfairness?

The idea is: I have some big emotions. If I stick around here, they’re going to explode out of me in a destructive way. Let me either channel them or soothe them until my smart, rational brain is in charge again. A safe space is not a consequence, it’s not time out, it’s a tool that a child can use to self-regulate and gain a better sense of what they need during moments of adrenal activation.

Problem 5: My kid gets out of control.

If you’re constantly nagging your child to turn away from screens and study, to go to bed on time, to take care of their possessions and treat them with respect, this tip is for you. Punishments like “You didn’t lock up your bike, so I’m taking it away for a month” or “If I find you on your phone instead of studying, I’m canceling your service plan” frequently lead to power struggles and resentment. In the worst-case scenario, children simply learn to sneak around better!

Solution 5: Control the environment, not the child.

Set a prosocial rule: During homework time, all phones go into the phone basket. We can all get our phones back when homework time is over. Bonus points to the parent who puts their own electronic devices into the basket, too.

Sometimes, the barrier to compliance is simply that—a barrier. If there’s a coat hook right next to the front door, a bike rack that’s easily accessible, and storage options that aren’t onerous—kids can usually use them. Sometimes, the need to wheel a bike all the way to the back of the house to put it into the garage just seems like too great a distance. But if there’s a bike rack out front, or a coat hook near the front door, we’ve removed many of the barriers to noncompliance, and those constant power struggles can simply melt away.

Recent research findings have demonstrated that spanking and other forms of harsh punishment reduce children’s ability to make prosocial choices, lower their empathy, and lower their ability to self-regulate. In other words, the very reasons parents say they spank their kids is exactly why they shouldn’t. Let’s replace “controlling the child” with “teaching the child self-control.” (For more parenting guidance on teaching children self-regulation, click here, here, and here.) These five techniques can help you start on that journey.