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Key points
- Being self-critical puts you in a hole that you first must dig yourself out of.
- Self-acceptance does not mean you must like where you are at. It's just an acknowledgment of reality.
- Self-acceptance helps you establish a healthy and strong foundation.
- Self-acceptance needs to be combined with self-compassion and a growth mindset.
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” —George Eliot
Most of us have difficulty accepting ourselves, whether we expect negative judgment from others or focus on our own mistakes and shortcomings. And for many, being hard on yourself is thought to be the appropriate motivation for doing better. This and other myths keep us operating behind the eight ball, always trying to catch up to a fantasy.
You can strive to be better, but in this moment, you can’t be anything other than who you are. Choosing to accept and love yourself seeds the path forward for personal transformation.
Every journey, whether it's a physical journey like climbing a mountain or a personal journey like self-improvement, begins with understanding where you are right now—an honest appraisal. It's like looking at a map to figure out your starting point before planning your route. This initial recognition is crucial because it sets the stage for progress.
Acceptance of where you are is like planting your feet in the ground, to most effectively push off and thrust forward. Accepting where you stand is the first step in developing a healthy and strong foundation and grounding.
Measuring Your Growth
Beyond acceptance, simply knowing where you stand makes it possible to notice and appreciate your growth and improvement. This awareness contributes to self-trust and self-confidence. It's like marking milestones on a path—each step forward feels like an achievement, which motivates you to take more steps.
But when you are critical, judgmental of where you are, and expecting yourself to be further along the path or journey of life, it’s difficult to appreciate hard-won steps forward. Steps forward are less impactful when you feel you should be further along on the path.
When I say self-acceptance, I mean being OK with who you are, flaws and all. It doesn't mean ignoring your weaknesses or pretending everything is perfect. Instead, it means acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses without the negative judgments that can undermine your efforts. It's like looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best, and that's good enough."
Let’s consider the alternative, which is to be upset at where you are or at your lack of progress. Being upset, being angry with yourself, and putting yourself down only makes your situation worse. You’re not anywhere further along, but now you are also angry with yourself. This negativity undermines your confidence, thus creating greater fear the next time you consider making an effort.
Self-Compassion
I once heard Ram Das talk about how he learned to deal with being angry at someone who was not open to what Ram Das was saying. He shifted into compassion, saying, "I feel badly for this person. He or she is so closed-minded that their life is being handicapped. For this, I can only feel compassion."
When you catch yourself feeling like you are not good enough or getting the results you want, try having compassion towards yourself. If you feel like where you are is getting in the way of your success, have compassion for your difficulties.
Self-Acceptance Leads to a Positive Mindset
When you practice self-acceptance, you create a more positive mindset. Instead of dwelling on your shortcomings, you focus either on your strengths or what you need to do to develop greater strength.
Focusing on your shortcomings doesn’t make them go away or even make them less of a problem. Just the opposite—they create an additional and unnecessary obstacle to growth and development.
Think of it this way. The focus on a shortcoming is like digging yourself into a hole. You first have to get yourself out of this hole before you can get back onto your journey. If you come from the place of acceptance, you are now already on the path and it’s easier to make and see progress.
You become more confident in yourself and your abilities. This translates into believing in yourself. And when you believe in yourself, you're more likely to accept challenges and try new things, and thus break out of old constricting boundaries. This is what leads to even more growth and success.
From a Positive Mindset to a Growth Mindset
To make self-acceptance work, it needs to be combined with a growth mindset. If you look at yourself honestly and, in addition to seeing your strengths, you see your weaknesses, this can interfere with your self-confidence. “How can I have confidence,” you might wonder, “if I have this shortcoming?” But with a growth mindset, any shortcoming or perceived weakness can be a call to action—to address your weakness and learn how to be better.
If you have been feeling stuck or are having difficulty getting to the next level, acceptance along with a growth mindset is what will make the difference. So, as you continue on your journey, remember to be kind to yourself. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and learn from your mistakes without dwelling on them. By practicing self-acceptance, and self-compassion you're paving the way for a brighter and more fulfilling future.
