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Each year it is estimated that about 10% of all holiday-season gifts are returned. But not all of the scarves that are the wrong color or sweaters too small are exchanged. A friend told me that the tradition in her family is to put unwanted gifts in a closet, shut the door, and never look back. Most of us aren’t that decisive. Lurking in the back of bureau drawers and the dark corners of our own closets are gifts we once expressed thanks for but deep down knew were unlikely to ever see the light of day.
From the perspective of the gift-giver, the cost of buying unwanted or underappreciated gifts is far greater than the money spent: These are lost opportunities to bring happiness to those we love and care about.
The question, then, is how to take advantage of these opportunities in the future. Is there an approach to gift giving that is more emotionally satisfying for both recipient and giver?
As we would expect, research shows that recipients have a positive emotional response when given a gift of any type, although this response can be tempered by their perceived thoughtfulness of the gift giver or, of course, how much they like the gift.
A new study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School focused on how emotions elicited by a gift affect the relationship between the giver and recipient.1 Their data indicates that about 80% of gift giving involves material things to use. Researchers hypothesized that experiential gifts, which allow the recipient to enjoy a new, special, and possibly unique activity or event, would have greater emotional impact.
If the objective of our gift is to make the recipient experience the love we are expressing, which is more likely to be successful: a material gift, like a sweater in their favorite color, or an experiential gift such as a weekend spa getaway, photography lessons, or a wine tasting?
The Wharton research measured whether the response of the recipient was different for a material gift versus an experiential one. The difference they discovered has important implications for how we can use gifts better to express our feelings and emotions and to give pleasure to the recipient.
The researchers discovered that recipients of experiential gifts feel significantly more connected to the gift giver than do recipients of material gifts. This emotional connection is evoked when the spa is visited, the class is taken, or other experience is realized. They found this to be true whether the recipient enjoyed the experience alone or shared it with the gift-giver. The gift experience connects and strengthens the emotional relationship between the two.
Insights into this phenomenon are found in Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s concept of our two selves—the self that lives in the present, and the self that creates our memories and maintains the story of our life.2 He points out that the psychological present lasts only a few seconds. So the impact of a new sweater is confined to the relatively short period in which it is the center of our attention. On the other hand, our remembering self records significant changes in our lives. The experiential gift alters the way we think and feel—and perhaps influences future behavior.
Positive experiences are sources of happiness. Kahneman distinguishes between being happy in your life and being happy with your life, and relates these to the self that lives in the present versus the quality of the story of our life. While a beautiful sweater may bring the recipient momentary happiness in their life; the experiential gift can make that person happier with their life because of positive emotional connections created.
Our happiness primarily is associated with the relationships we have with the people we like. So this coming Valentine's Day, at upcoming birthdays, and during next year’s holidays; do yourself and loved one a favor by giving an experiential gift. It's an opportunity to bring happiness to you and your loved one and pursue growth in your relationship.
