Verified by 
When we break up with someone, our feelings don’t disappear overnight, whether we’re the one who initiated it or was on the receiving end. A break up with someone who you loved and who was an integral part of your life is one of the most difficult emotional experiences many of us will have. Sometimes, between the point where you split up with your partner and completely move on from the relationship, you might find yourself having sex with them – either as a one-off or repeatedly.
Whilst break up sex is certainly tempting and, let’s face it, you don’t just stop loving or finding someone attractive overnight, is it ever a good idea?
It gives you a false sense of hope
With a few exceptions, break ups are not completely mutual and equal. One partner is responsible for initiating split. If you’re the person who was left, no matter how hard you try and convince yourself that this is just sex – and no matter how hard your ex has tried to explain to you that this is just sex – it might ignite a sense of hope that this could lead to a rekindling of the relationship. It won’t. If there were problems in the relationship before, sex isn’t going to magically fix them. If you’re hoping for something to come out of your liaisons with your ex, you’ll end up deeply hurt.
It stops you moving on
You may still adore your partner, and that’s completely understandable. There’s no set time on how long you might grieve the ending of a relationship and all the hopes and dreams that were invested in it. But, at some point, you need to give yourself the space to move forwards in life. By continuing to have sex with your ex, you are holding yourself back.
It provides you with loving feelings (temporarily)
During sex, and whilst cuddling and being intimate with a partner, we release oxytocin, which is often called the “love drug”. Whilst we often like to think of ourselves as being sensible, thinking beings who are more reliant on cognition than emotion, we are strongly driven by our feelings and emotions. Sex is an emotional and physical act and once we’ve experienced that wonderful release of oxytocin – which is a hormone involved in bonding us to another – our thinking brain goes out the window. You can be tricked into thinking your ex still loves you and that you still love them more than you do.
It involves a power imbalance
You might still love your ex and harbour hopes of getting back together with them, whilst they are completely clear that they want this relationship to be finished. Your ex can use this to their advantage, even if they know it’s hurtful to you. No-strings sex on tap is quite an attractive offer to many people. Even if they’re not deliberately using you and have been very clear that the relationship has ended and this arrangement you have is purely sexual, there’s still a power imbalance if you believe that it means something else. If you continue to engage in this break up sex repeatedly, it may well have a damaging effect on your self-esteem.
So, is it ever a good idea? There are some cases where a one-off encounter can help you establish that you no longer care about your partner as deeply. And, let’s face it, accidents happen so no matter how strong your resolve, the feelings may have taken over and you’ve ended up in bed with your ex unexpectedly. If this happens, treat it as a learning exercise and resolve to move on and create healthy boundaries between you and your ex. Just don’t keep going back for more once you’ve resolved to break this pattern.
