How Couples Can Put Excitement Back in Their Kisses

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Kissing is as mysterious as it is simple. It brings us into our partner's personal space, sharing breath, lips, saliva, and tongue. You may recall your first kiss as a magical life event, or the moment you knew you wanted nothing more to do with someone. Kissing gives us quick intel about a potential partner, which is likely why humans aren’t the only primates who kiss. But because of our advanced cerebral cortex, humans are the only primate that make conscious meaning of a kiss.

It's not unusual for my clients to talk about kissing in the privacy of my therapy room. It seems that kissing becomes less frequent as a relationship ages. People identify many reasons for this — a partner’s bad breath or sloppy kissing technique are common explanations. People also worry that not kissing means something negative about their sexual compatibility. Before jumping to such a conclusion, consider several points:

• If you haven’t kissed in a while, tell your partner that you miss kissing. This gives them an opportunity to clean up, because good dental hygiene is essential for most people to enjoy kissing. This literally means regular dental cleanings as well as brushing before hooking up.
• Kissing is one of those intimate behaviors that feel intrusive if you aren’t turned on. It tends to be more compelling at the beginning of a romance because excitement is naturally higher at that time. Back then, your body was excited before you even started kissing. So, try and get your own juices flowing before you kiss. Do what you need to do to get your own motor running — masturbate a little before you meet up with your partner, watch some porn, or do whatever you like to get your body stirred up. Don’t expect the act of kissing to be enough; you have to get yourself in the mood first.
• Like all sexual behaviors, kissing will fall flat if you are paying more attention to your thoughts than bodily sensations. If you find yourself critiquing your lover’s kissing technique, then this is likely an issue for you. Meditation can teach you to follow your breath and physical sensation rather than your thoughts, so practicing meditation is a great way to make kissing, and all your sex play, feel more satisfying.
• Kissing can be incredibly intimate and sensual, depending on the intention you bring to the experience. It’s a mindset as much as a technique. You are face to face with someone, breathing their breath, smelling their scent. In this way, kissing can literally be more intimate than sex. Making kissing more sensual means being present in the moment, recognizing the person you are kissing, intentionally engaging them. Like all sensual experiences, it involves concentration and focus. Don’t minimize the impact of your body being so close to theirs.
• If you don’t like your partner’s kissing technique, then tell them you want to experiment with different types of kissing. Suggest trying wet kisses, dry kisses, deep kisses, sensual kisses, and intense kisses. Make it a game, and then share what you liked and didn’t like.

Kissing, like all sexual behaviors, requires intention to remain sexy over time. The mistake most people make with this (and just about all sexual behaviors) is the expectation that just doing it should result in excitement — and if it doesn’t, you are with the wrong partner. This assessment may be accurate at the beginning of a relationship, but over time sexual dynamics naturally shift and it becomes more about intentionally making things exciting rather than just passively receiving excitement. From an evolutionary perspective, Mother Nature never intended any sexual behavior — kissing included — to remain as sexy over time. Instead, you must actively bring your game. Don’t ask what kissing can do for you — ask what you can do to make kissing more exciting.

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