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Key points
- Not all conflicts are resolvable. It's important to decide which should be accepted as immutable, and which should be tackled.
- If your personality tends to the negative, that's tough on a relationship. Consider reminding yourself of that when conversing with your partner.
- Asking your partner open-ended questions such as, "Tell me a story about you, now or in your past," can help a relationship.
John and Julie Gottman have studied, with unusual rigor and for 40-plus years now, what makes relationships work. Their findings are summarized in the book Eight Dates.
"Eight dates" refers to regularly scheduled meetings in which the couple talks respectfully about big issues: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. Some of my clients, as well as my wife and I, have done some variant of the eight dates, and we all feel it's been worthwhile.
More Gottman Nuggets
Here's additional core advice from the Gottmans, plus my take.
1. Never stop being curious about your partner. That may seem pie-in-the-sky but it can be realistic. The Gottmans urge us to ask our partner open-ended questions. The following are questions I've recommended to clients and that my wife and I have discussed to advantage:
- Tell me a story about you, now or in your past.
- Do you have any dreams, not necessarily when sleeping but about your future?
- Do you ever wonder if that’s all there is, I mean career-wise, relationship-wise, otherwise?
- Your parents don't display much emotion, and you’re kind of that way. Has that served you well?
- You want to have kids more than I do. What, deep down, do you think is the main driver of that?
- I know you’re a Democrat, but why are you a Democrat?
- You believe in God. In the face of evidence to the contrary, what makes you have faith in God?
- How are you feeling about your substance use?
Or you could ask something quite general, for example,
- How are you feeling?
2. Conflict is inevitable. Key is accepting the immutable and attempting to resolve the others in a statesman-like way.
The Gottmans' research found that 69% of conflicts never get resolved and the key is how to deal with the 31%. Of course, that begs the question of how to figure out whether a conflict is likely to be resolved. Well, here's an example of how you might constructively have such a discussion:
You: We argue a lot about your spending, my rushing in sex, and my being less enthusiastic than you are about spending time with your parents. Do you think those issues are in the 69% or the 31%?
Your partner: Maybe it's easiest if we start with the issue of visiting my parents.
You: I think we can agree that your parents think I'm a know-it-all and I think they're, well, lackluster. Without a personality transplant, do you think either is likely to change?
Your partner: No. So, it sounds like you're making me mainly go see them by myself.
You: If I had my druthers, yes. But might the statesman-like thing to do be for me to join you when it's particularly important to you and/or them and, other times, you go without me? And of course, you can supplement the visits with phone and FaceTime calls. Does that seem reasonable?
Your partner: It depends on how often you think it's important for you to go. I'm afraid you'll want to go just once or twice a year. I like visiting them every two weeks.
You: What if we aim for my going half the time, say once a month. Can you live with that?
Your partner: Well, we can try it. But, in a month, let's agree to revisit the plan.
You: Fair enough. (If it feels right, give your partner a hug.)
3. Successful couples emphasize the good times, and minimize the bad. In my experience, that's a manifestation of the partners' personality in general: They are people who tend to focus on the positive or negative in all aspects of life.
That said, my clients, my wife, and I have found such positivity partly “willable.” It may be worth trying to get in the habit of emphasizing the positive, thinking twice before bringing up the negative, and, yes, trying to do it tactfully. That may not come easily. So, it might help, right before you start interacting with your partner, for example, when you've just come home from work, to first whisper under your breath the word: “positive.” That's a just-in-time reminder. You have nothing to lose in trying that. Do stay with it at least for a few days, to see if it helps.
4. Avoid judgment. The Gottmans urge us to avoid judgment, but in my judgment, that seems too extreme. Judgment, discernment, is central to rational decision-making. Rather than aiming to avoid judgment, I tell my clients and remind myself to generally keep judgments internal but when it's deemed wise to express judgment, try to do it tactfully.
The takeaway
The longer I’ve worked with clients, the more I believe that the benefits of simplicity, even at the risk of reductionism, outweigh the benefits of comprehensiveness. With that as the fundamental principle, I believe we can reasonably reduce the Gottmans' extensive advice to just this: Emphasize the positive and formally meet regularly to identify baby steps forward.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
