Strategic Skills for Raising Resilient Kids

While resilience is often heralded as a key skill for the modern child, its focus can unintentionally place the burden of overcoming adversity solely on young shoulders. The emphasis we have cultivated may overlook the broader systemic issues and societal inequities that also need addressing (Ungar, 2011). I believe that an overemphasis on resilience can sometimes overshadow the emotional and mental health needs of children and adults, potentially misrepresenting resilience as a cure-all for deeper psychological challenges of the modern, individualistic, western, competitive society (Ehrenreich, 2009).

Challenges of Overprotection and Digital Saturation

The overprotective parenting pattern and the instincts of parents can sometimes prevent children from engaging in the very experiences that develop authentic resilience. This can leave them less prepared for life's challenges, potentially exacerbating feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. Additionally, the digital landscape further complicates childhood, with social media often distorting children’s (and adults') perceptions of success and failure, heightening their fear of making mistakes.

Today's educational pressures to prioritise academic performance over developmental processes like critical thinking and problem-solving can undermine our ability to develop resilience (Nardone and Balbi, 2013). The lack of funding for many health services and the dwindling emphasis on play and physical education in schools restricts children's opportunities to face and surmount unstructured challenges, which is crucial for developing resilience.

A Strategic Approach to Child Development

Rather than focusing solely on the concept of resilience, a more systemic approach (Gibson, 2021), involves fostering strategic thinking that encompasses adaptability and critical as well as lateral thinking (Baumrind, 1991; Darling, 1999; Gibson, 2021; Nardone, and Balbi 2013). By promoting age-appropriate risk-taking, modeling resilience, and teaching emotional literacy, parents and educators can better prepare children for the diverse life challenges they will face across the developmental cycle (Bandura, 1977; Dweck, 2006; Kuhn, 2009; Jussim, 1986; Ginsburg, 2007; Goleman, 1995; Portelli et al., 2016).

Practices like cultivating gratitude, and a greater degree of humility, will enhance children's abilities to effectively deal with life's hurdles (Emmons & McCullough, 2003; Minuchin, 1974). In today's often unpredictable world, equipping our children with strategic life skills is more crucial than ever. These skills not only prepare them to face various life challenges but also promote emotional well-being as well as social intelligence, key factors in personal and professional success over time.

Developing Emotional and Social Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a cornerstone of healthy development, influencing a child's ability to engage in complex social contexts and form meaningful personal relationships. By teaching our children to identify, understand, and articulate their emotions, we are empowering them to manage their feelings more effectively and respond to others empathetically and to prevent difficulties from becoming problems (Portelli, Papantuono and Gibson 2016). Emotional intelligence encompasses a range of skills including self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills, all essential for personal self-management.

Encouraging children to engage in autotelic or unstructured play is another critical aspect of nurturing emotional and social intelligence (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). During free play, children can explore their creativity, test boundaries, and assimilate daily experiences effectively and naturally. Ginsburg (2007) argues that play is not merely a leisure activity; it serves as a crucial arena for children to learn problem-solving, experience emotional processing, and develop resilience. Through interactions during play, children learn to cooperate, resolve conflicts, and lead. These interactions are invaluable as they lay the groundwork for understanding social dynamics and fostering relationships (Portelli, Papantuono and Gibson, 2016).

Managing Expectations and Reframing

The expectations that we as adults have for children can profoundly impact their development. Known as the 'self-fulfilling prophecy,' the phenomenon described by Jussim (1986) suggests that positive expectations can enhance a child's performance, whereas negative ones can lead to a decrease in capability (Rosenthal and Jackson, 1968). For example, "Pygmalion in the Classroom" was a groundbreaking study conducted by Rosenthal and Jacobson in the 1960s, which demonstrated the phenomenon of self-fulfilling prophecies in educational settings. In the study, teachers were told that certain students were "late bloomers" who showed exceptional potential for intellectual growth. Over time, these students demonstrated significantly greater academic progress compared to their peers, despite there being no objective difference in their abilities. The study highlighted how teachers' expectations of students can unconsciously influence their behaviour and performance, ultimately shaping their academic outcomes. It is therefore vital for parents and educators to maintain a balanced perspective on expectations, encouraging children without imposing undue pressure.

Also, teaching children to reframe challenges is a critical skill for developing resilience. When children learn to view obstacles as opportunities for growth, they are more likely to engage in problems with enthusiasm and confidence. Incorporating humour is another strategy that can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being. By learning to laugh at certain challenges and to be appropriately self-deprecating when necessary and by viewing situations from a humorous perspective, children can maintain a lighter, more optimistic outlook on life. The ability to restructure their perceptions can also lead to better stress management and an increased ability to adapt to changing circumstances.

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Cultivating Values and Perspective

In a society increasingly characterized by a sense of entitlement and an ability for immediate gratification, instilling values of gratitude and humility in children is increasingly important. Teaching children to appreciate the small gifts of daily life, as well as the bigger picture of their existence, cultivates a sense of well-being and contentment. Emmons and McCullough (2003) suggest that gratitude is linked to increased happiness and social cohesion; when children learn to be grateful, they develop a more appreciative and caring approach towards others and their environment. Fostering humility helps children understand their place in the world, recognizing both their strengths and limitations without judgment. This understanding promotes learning and growth, as children are more likely to seek out new experiences and admit mistakes constructively. These traits not only enhance personal development but also improve interpersonal interactions, making children more adaptable and capable of navigating various social situations. Three simple questions from the Japanese culture of Kaizen may be helpful to ask ourselves each day to live better lives.

• What have I given?
• What have I received?
• What pain have I caused?

Repeat this daily and you may be surprised what you discover. But I will leave that up to you.