Setting Limits With Relatives With Borderline Personalities

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People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often preoccupied with fears of real or imagined abandonment, display wide mood swings, and experience sudden and intense anger, as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).¹ This can cause them to alternate between clinging to those close to them or going into a rage against those they feel have abandoned them (even if they haven’t). The result is relationships characterized by instability and intensity, which can be hard to be around.

On the other hand, people with BPD can be very loving, full of energy, creative, and share interests that can make managed relationships worthwhile. While some people try to avoid all contact with those with BPD, for relatives, this may not be an option, especially for children of parents with BPD and parents with adult children with BPD, as well as other adult relatives. Studies indicate that those with BPD are approximately 2 to 6 percent of the adult population.²

I am focusing on those who do not live with the person with BPD, and I include anyone with this pattern of behavior, even if they have never been diagnosed as having BPD. If you suspect that a relative may have BPD, you are encouraged to meet with a therapist and get some guidance on how to structure your relationship for the best balance.

Giving Feedback

One of the characteristics of a personality disorder is that the person cannot see it and, therefore, does not identify with it but rather believes that others cause all of their interpersonal difficulties. While it can be tempting to simply tell the relative with BPD that they have a personality disorder and that there is treatment available, this is generally not advised unless you are a therapist. Such feedback can trigger intense feelings of criticism and abandonment for the person with BPD.

For example, three adult sisters visited their mother for a holiday and informed her that they had figured out that she had BPD from doing a lot of reading and encouraged her to get treatment for it. The mother responded by telling them to leave her house and never speak to her again. Obviously upset, the sisters sought consultation on what they should do. They were advised to wait a little while and then reach out to their mother but to keep it light and focus on easy topics like the weather, sports, and so forth, and never to bring that up again unless they were working with a professional who could structure a more productive intervention.

Setting Limits

People with BPD tend to lack normal social boundaries, so your relative is likely to want an intense relationship with lots of contact. This can be frustrating and overwhelming. Even without discussing your belief that your relative has BPD, you can talk about limiting the time and place of your contacts with solid and consistent boundaries.

For example, one person limited all communication to one email or text per day. They used the BIFF communication method that I described on our website. It keeps such written communication brief, informative, friendly, and firm so that it does not trigger long responses and avoids criticizing the other person for their neediness.

Getting comfortable with setting limits on your conversations can be helpful, including when and where you will meet, what you are willing to discuss (or not), and when the conversation will need to end. Be firm, but not harsh, in ending conversations so that it doesn’t trigger intense feelings of abandonment. It’s often helpful to say when you will see the person again. (“See you in two weeks at the game.”)

Another person found that it worked best to exclude all email, text, and phone contact and not allow the parent to come to their home. Otherwise, there was an endless daily barrage of contact and knocking on the door that the parent with BPD could not restrain. Instead, this person visited the parent at the parent’s home three to four times a year so that arriving and leaving would not be as difficult as it was in their own home when the relative wouldn’t leave.

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Ending All Contact

Some people feel that it is necessary to end all contact with a relative with BPD because it is so stressful. In extreme situations, this is an option. However, in most situations, it is not recommended because such an absolute barrier activates all of the abandonment fears of the person with BPD, and they will put an extreme amount of energy into getting you to change your mind.

For example, one person with BPD started stalking the person who had refused all contact. Another came to their relative’s home and pounded on the door and screamed so loudly that the neighbors could hear, so the relative let them in to avoid an embarrassing scene.

In some cases, a person with BPD had called the police and asked them to do a “welfare check” because they claimed the non-responsive relative was in trouble or injured in their home and couldn’t communicate when, in fact, the relative was trying to set limits.

In extreme cases, relatives have gotten restraining orders against the person with BPD. However, this is generally not recommended because it means a court hearing where both people are present, and it intensifies the emotions and connection with the person with BPD. So, it often helps to have limited contact rather than no contact unless absolutely necessary.

Conclusion

These are a few tips to consider if you are in a family relationship with someone with BPD. These principles may apply to any relationship with someone with a Cluster B personality (borderline, narcissistic, antisocial, and histrionic). As recommended from the start, it helps to see a counselor to discuss more thoroughly how to set boundaries. Often, you can find a way to get the most out of the relationship without being overwhelmed.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.