Want to Feel Happier and More Alive? Contemplate Death.

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I recently asked an energetic elder friend if he had a bucket list. Without missing a beat, he replied, “There are still many things on my list. But I also want a good death.”

A good death? Is there such a thing?

Death and Dying

Death is often a conversation killer, a subject we’d rather not explore. A dark uncharted land best avoided. Some people refuse to visit dying friends or attend memorials because they find it too unsettling. Do they want to avoid the pain of loss or the reminder of their own mortality? Perhaps both.

Unfortunately, our refusal to acknowledge death ultimately compromises how we choose to live. The more we refuse to look at death, the more of a grip it has on us. "Death anxiety” (fear of dying) causes havoc in our lives, as it's a prime generator of anxieties, obsessions, and psychosomatic illnesses.

In grad school, I took a course on death and dying. In our first class, the instructor gave each student a sealed envelope. Inside the envelope, we were given a fatal illness. Our assignment was to research the disease and plan for our death.

Some of us were eager to tackle the assignment, but many were not. Nearly a quarter of the students dropped out after the first class.

Even death imagined has the power to send us running in fear.

Considering Death

Does that mean we should all sit around contemplating our mortality? Wouldn’t that be depressing? On the contrary, considering our death most often awakens a greater appreciation and gratitude for life. It can inspire us to make positive changes that we never considered.

Before we get into the joys of contemplating death, consider these quotes from some very enlightened folks:

• “It is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people living empty, purposeless lives; for when you live as if you'll live forever, it becomes too easy to postpone the things you know that you must do.” —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
• “An awareness and understanding of death raises our state of life. When we are cognizant of the reality and inevitability of death we…become determined to make the most valuable use of each moment of life.” —Daisaku Ikeda
• “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” —Mark Twain
• “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” —Haruki Murakami
• “First, learn about death, and then about other things.” —Nichiren Daishonin

Dealing With Death

If “unknowns” are the source of all anxiety, death is the mother of all unknowns. What happens after we die? Does our spirit continue? Is there a heaven waiting for us or another life with a new body, like exchanging one rental car for another? One of religion's primary functions is to offer comfort about death, yet even those with strong faith may find death overwhelming.

There are plenty of books on the subject of how to have a good death. They offer common sense advice on talking with loved ones, preparing a will, end-of-life care, and death doulas. But before busying yourself with a checklist (this isn’t your taxes), it’s best to take a moment. Thinking about death is an emotional process that requires mindfulness and care.

Many writing exercises can be very helpful in beginning to think about death. Surprisingly, they all awaken the wish to live a better full life. Here are three powerful writing prompts to get you started:

• Imagine you’ve lived a long life and are on your deathbed. What advice would you give your younger self?
• Imagine you just found out you have a few months to live. What would you do differently?
• Imagine a close friend is taken away from you suddenly. What do you wish you had told them?

Benefits of Thinking About Dying

Here are some positive results that can come from contemplating your death. You are more likely to:

1. Let go of resentments.
2. Live with more gratitude.
3. Abandon petty concerns.
4. Refresh personal dreams and goals.
5. Strengthen your bond with loved ones.

In the end, life is a death sentence; remembering how short and precious life is will help you to enjoy and appreciate it more.

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For more, see "Three Self-Defeating Habits That Destroy Happiness."