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Relationships
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment and Romantic Relationships
Here's what disorganized attachment can look like in your romantic relationship.
Posted August 3, 2023 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style is often at an increased risk for unhealthy relationships.
- A fearful-avoidant attachment style has associations with symptoms of borderline personality disorder.
- These patterns are learned behaviors that may originate in part from invalidating childhood environments.
How a person sees themselves and how they engage in their closest relationships can be a product of their unique attachment style. A person’s attachment style may be shaped in part in their formative years in response to several factors, including their primary caregiver’s attachment style, their environment, and whether their caregivers tended to their basic needs for safety and connection.
There are four types of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant, or “disorganized” attachment. A person’s attachment style is formed in their infancy and, while it can change throughout life, may guide some of their beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors in adulthood.
Children who are raised to develop a fearful-avoidant attachment style often come from unpredictable environments filled with abuse, neglect, or abandonment. In these situations, a child can become conditioned to “chase” after their caregiver for the love and safety they seek while also “running” from and fearing this person as someone who is inconsistent and often abusive. Children who develop a “disorganized” attachment style may continue to struggle in forming more secure bonds in their adult lives, where they may oscillate between experiences of high anxiety and high avoidance behaviors in their relationships.
Childhood Origins
A fearful-avoidant attachment style is thought to be associated with symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD), including deep fears of abandonment, a longing for intimacy, and also a deep fear of rejection or not being seen as “good enough.”1
Both those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style and those with a diagnosis of BPD may have histories of childhood abuse and neglect. Some may have also experienced caregivers who were unreliable, unpredictable, or emotionally unstable, including family members who may have struggled with their own mental health. As a result, a very young child often learns they cannot trust their caregiver to protect them or support their basic needs for safety and belonging, which can create “gaps” in their emotional development and may leave them vulnerable to feeling less securely attached to others in their adult lives.
Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Some may notice that their learned beliefs, feelings about themselves, and patterns of engaging in relationships are carried over from their childhood into their adult lives. Adults with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often display a “push-pull” dynamic in their romantic relationships that may include intense emotions, a need for control, and patterns of behavioral instability.3 These patterns typically surface when a person’s attachment system has been activated (“triggered”) and fears of abandonment or engulfment take center stage.
A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style is often at an increased risk for behavioral addictions and/or compulsive behaviors surrounding sex.2 Some theories suggest that persons with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may use sex or have higher rates of sexual partners as a way of trying to get their core needs met for connection and belonging that typically went unmet in childhood. Yet many with a fearful-avoidant attachment style also report histories of abusive and narcissistic romantic relationships including incidences of anger and violence which may suggest they may overstay in a toxic relationship to prevent or minimize fears of rejection.3
Other patterns seen in a fearful-avoidant attachment style can include:
- A deep fear of being alone or without a romantic partner
- Hypervigilance in scanning their environment for the first sign of abandonment, rejection, or betrayal from a loved one
- Lack of trust for those in their life
- Problematic compulsive behaviors based on cycles of intermittent reinforcement
- Deep fears of unworthiness or feeling unlovable
- High levels of suspicion with those in their life
- A compulsion for choosing dramatic or unhealthy relationships
- Perpetual negative self-image
- High levels of dissociation, especially when fears of abandonment arise
- Approach/avoidance behaviors in romantic relationships
- A deep unmet need to be “rescued” or “fixed” by their partner
- History of choosing narcissistic, controlling, or abusive partners
Fostering Healthier Relationships
If you recognize yourself as struggling with developing or maintaining more securely attached relationships in your life, it is important to note that there is support and help available. It’s also important to recognize that these patterns are typically learned behaviors and maladaptive thoughts that often originate in childhood from invalidating or unsafe environments that may replay in your romantic relationships.
While it is suggested to unpack these core wounds with a therapist trained in early trauma, there are some skills you can foster on your own.
First, it’s important to pause and reflect on whether you are reacting in your relationships based on “survival mode” and to recognize any unhealthy core beliefs that may have been taught in your childhood. If you notice that you may be falling into a learned pattern of believing your relationships will end in abandonment or rejection, consider whether you are examining truths associated with your relationship, or if your relationship is being examined from a place of insecurity and fear.
It’s also important to allow yourself time alone, and for your partner to have time to themselves. All relationships require a mix of autonomy and interdependence. Yet, this can be frightening for someone living with a more insecure attachment style because time to yourself can trigger fears of abandonment and rejection.
Additionally, this time could also be used to examine any faulty beliefs or maladaptive thoughts that surface and trigger feeling unsafe in your relationships (i..e that they are going to leave you, that they don’t love you, etc.).
Lastly, it is also important to slowly and consistently explore building trust with those closest to you in your life, including your partner, family, or friends. This may include asking them for extra support when you are feeling vulnerable, setting and maintaining your boundaries, and respecting theirs.
References
Agrawal, H. R., et al. (2004). Attachment studies with Borderline patients: A review. Harvard Review Psychiatry, 12(2), 94-104.
Favez, N, et al. (2019). Fearful-avoidant attachment: A specific impact on sexuality? Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6). 510-523.
Rholes, W. S., Paetzold, R. L., & Kohn, J. L. (2016). Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 90, 61–65.
