The Surprising Reason Why Many Breakups Turn Nasty

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Have you ever been surprised that one of your favorite couples broke up—and at how bitter the breakup was? Maybe your own relationship ended in a way that was more spiteful than you would have expected. Research studies have found a surprising culprit behind many bad relationship outcomes: destiny beliefs. When you believe in relationship destiny, you "place heavy emphasis on evaluating whether a relationship was meant to be" (Knee et al., 2001).

The Downsides of Destiny

Many studies have shown that destiny beliefs can poison a romantic relationship. When you and your partner hit a rough patch, you’re significantly more likely to break up if you hold strong destiny beliefs.

Other research has shown that couples who believe in relationship destiny are more likely to become hostile toward their partners when the relationship doesn’t meet their expectations, which can lead to acrimonious breakups. Destiny beliefs also make partners less willing to forgive each other when they’re feeling insecure in the relationship, as well as more likely to ghost.

Why Are Destiny Beliefs Harmful?

Different explanations might account for the many downsides of destiny beliefs:

• Fear about what conflict means: When you and your partner disagree, destiny beliefs can magnify the meaning of the conflict. Perhaps conflict is a sign that this is the wrong person for you. You might see even a small disagreement not as a problem to work through together but as a signal that the relationship “isn’t meant to be.” These interpretations can lead to “stronger, more judgmental inferences about one’s partner,” according to the 2001 study by Knee and colleagues.
• Writing off the other person: Destiny beliefs have a dark shadow: They include the possibility that you and your partner were not meant to be together. If you no longer seem destined for each other, it can be easier to simply drop the other person or even ghost. Why stick around and try to work things out if the relationship wasn’t in the cards?
• Greater sense of loss: On the other hand, you might have a more profound feeling of loss when a relationship that felt like destiny falls apart, since you thought you had found “the one.” A deep sense of disillusionment can come from losing a partner who seemed like a soul mate.
• Resentment toward the (ex-) partner: A heavy feeling of loss can lead some individuals to feel angry, believing that their destined relationship could have brought a lifetime of love if only their partner hadn’t messed things up. A person might even feel that they’ve been tricked, as if their partner was pretending to be someone they were not.

Why Are Destiny Beliefs So Common?

Despite the problems that come with destiny beliefs, it’s easy to understand wanting to believe you were meant to be with your partner, especially if you’re thinking of marriage. Pledging decades of your life to another person is fraught with risk. You’ll spend countless hours together, sharing bank accounts, a home, perhaps kids. What if you choose badly? Many of us find comfort in believing we were destined to be with our partner.

I have vivid memories of my own anxiety moments before my wedding more than 27 years ago. Suddenly I felt the gravity of what I was doing as the ceremony was about to begin. Was I making an awful mistake? I was deeply in love, but how could I trust my 20-something self to make a decision that would shape the rest of my life? I reassured myself by thinking back to odd coincidences that I took as omens that our love was meant to be.

An Alternative to Destiny Beliefs

No matter how good the fit seems to be at the start of your shared journey with a partner, eventually, your relationship will become strained. At some point, you’ll probably wonder what you were thinking when you decided to be with this person. It will be disorienting and heartbreaking to realize that you might have misread the tea leaves—maybe you weren’t meant to be together.

But conflict is to a relationship what pain is to the body—an inevitable sign of life. Even a healthy relationship at times is a painful struggle. It’s no easy thing to live day after day with another person, no matter how agreeable the two of you may be.

Even if everyone who knows you thinks you’re easygoing, at times you’ll make your partner miserable. You’ll have the same fight over and over, most likely about sex, money, in-laws, chores, or parenting. The two of you will act out the universal drama of couples, and it will feel entirely personal.

The only way to address the problems that tear couples apart is to accept them as part of being in a relationship. Bank your relationship not on destiny but on the possibility for growth—that you and your partner have the ability to address relationship difficulties as they arise (Knee, 2022). (This is not to say that every couple should stay together; some differences are irreconcilable, and no one deserves to stay in a toxic relationship.)

At times you’ll say hurtful things to one another. There will be moments when you each feel alone with your pain. You’ll find that you’re capable of more pettiness and less generosity than you imagine. You’ll appreciate your partner in the same way that you’re grateful for air—sometimes profoundly, sometimes not at all. And you’ll marvel that someone who knows you at your worst still chooses to spend their life with you.

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To be honest, I still believe that fate had a hand in bringing my wife and me together; I don’t have a better explanation for a relationship that feels like coming home. But I no longer think fate will decide if we stay together.

The long-term health of our relationships depends less on an impersonal act of fate and more on our willingness to listen closely and speak honestly. While destiny may have offered the possibility of your union, you get to choose what you’ll make of it.

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