Three Words that Can Equalize Your Relationship

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Do you (often) feel you are better than your partner? More mature, regulated, intelligent, or sensitive than your partner? And where do you feel your partner is better than you are?

In most dyads, there is an implicit hierarchical power dynamic that I call the 95/70 dynamic, where one partner is cast as overfunctioning in a specific area of the relationship (95/100 able), and the other is underfunctioning (only 70/100 able). Usually, the pair divide the categories where each one is somewhat superior to create a balance, with each partner excelling in certain domains while the other excels in others. This is not an objective assessment of their functioning but rather an idiosyncratic internal relational dynamic that both partners unconsciously agree upon. IUsually this power dynamic is fluid and dynamic, but often the 95/70 dance can become fixed, rigid, and limiting.

What happens when partners are not at eye level?

When couples develop a rigid hierarchical dynamic, several problematic symptoms can develop. Clicking on the links will send you to more detailed resources on each topic.

• Superiority. The 95 partner begins to feel superior to their partner in certain aspects, which could lead to feelings of judgement, pity, or contempt.
• Relational amnesia. The underfunctioning partner (the 70 partner), may begin to become even more underfunctioning and "forgetful" in the relationship (in terms of chores, requests, important dates, and so on).
• A parent/child dance. This pecking order can lead to a stubborn parent/child pattern that locks both partners in limiting and lonely roles.
• Less or no sex. Real sexual intimacy happens between equals. It can be difficult to be intimate with a partner who is perceived as "less" than you.

Over time, the 95 partner’s subjective narrative may take over as the default narrative with the grudging agreement of the 70 partner.

How do I know if we’re locked in a rigid 95/70 dance?

This following exercise will help you get initial clarity on the power dynamic in your relationship.

Below are the three common dynamics every couple experiences. They are all normal and beneficial to relationships. As you read each dynamic, pause, breathe and let your body associate into that dynamic.

1. Parenting your partner. This refers to the orientation where you feel you are more responsible, emotionally intelligent, regulated, mature, or able than your partner. This also relates to instances where you experience your partner as lacking in a certain field. Those moments might not be endearing but may evoke feelings of judgement, frustration, anger, pity, or resentment.
2. Partnering with your partner. This refers to the dynamic where you feel more or less equal to your partner in your ability, awareness, responsibility, or knowledge. You feel you have a trusted teammate, standing shoulder to shoulder, looking you in the eye.
3. Parented by your partner. This refers to times where you feel inferior to your partner and experience them as more able, responsible, successful, aware, or better-abled. These could be moments where you enjoy leaning on their mastery, and you feel safe, held, and in trusted hands. But this category also relates to moments where you “melt” and feel insecure, small, unable, useless near your partner.

Write down next to each dynamic how much time on average you experience yourself in each dynamic out of 100% total time. You can also ask your partner to write their percentages. If your partnering with your partner percentage is less than 50% that means that your relationship might be suffering from a uneven 95/70 dynamic.

The solution is a more equitable relationship.

No relationship can be fully equal because there will always be different strengths, differences, and passions. But the more fluid, flexible, and even handed the relationship - the more intimacy, partnership, trust, and sex there will be.

How to equalize your relationship?

The first step starts with three simple words:

“In my experience…”

These three words assert that in this relationship there are two equal subjects with different (and equal) experiences. In order for these words to work, they need to be expressed with an equal amounts of play, confidence, and humility.

• Play. Play is the lubricant of relationships and as such will help open and soften the encounter, signaling to your partner that you are not trying to belittle them but to come together.
• Confidence. Both partners (especially the 70 partner) must believe that their subjective experience is valid and worthy to be heard in the duo.
• Humility. Both partners (especially the 95 partner) must equally believe that they might be wrong. That what they believe is the truth might be partial, distorted, or biased.

Thus partners begin to recognize that even though they might vary in ability, they are equal in value. They both deserve an equal say and stature overall in the relationship.

The three words won’t change the whole dynamic, but they will help to soften the 95/70 power dynamic. This process will take time. You won’t go overnight from a 95/70 dynamic to a fully equitable reality. So be patient, forgiving, and playful as you begin your mutual adventure toward a new, more balanced, relationship.