6 Habits Unloved Daughters Need to Break

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I was thinking about the fact that so much self-help is directed at having us recognize the behaviors we shouldn’t find acceptable in other people, no matter what their specific connection is to us.

But what about turning a mirror to ourselves and making note of those behaviors that hobble us in one way or another? When we can really see the unhealthy patterns we ourselves may indulge in, changing how we act, react, and think becomes that much easier.

I wish that someone had told my younger self, for example, that some relationships are not worth holding on to and that if you find yourself constantly making excuses for someone’s treatment, the chances are excellent that you should be heading toward the exit with alacrity. I thought that “working it out” had a value of its own and that bailing on relationships that seemed to have some promise didn’t reflect well on me. I suspect I was reading too much Dear Abby.

Let’s also keep in mind that we need to pay attention to whether the behavior is typical or a one-off; this applies both to others and ourselves. When someone we care about makes a single, notable mistake that seems out-of-character, there’s nothing wrong with excusing them with consciousness and awareness.

The following behaviors limit us when they are what we do unconsciously and by default.

6 Behaviors You Need to Be Conscious of and Deal With

1. Always Placating and Stifling Yourself. Again, there’s nothing wrong with being the peacemaker, now and again, especially if you think the argument is escalating and that there’s nothing to be gained by continuing in the moment. But, if you always resort to placating when there’s any kind of disagreement because confrontation and arguments scare you, that’s another matter entirely and you need to work at being proactive about your own needs because, if you aren’t, who will be?

If you are in a relationship with someone who shuts you down by mocking or marginalizing you, ignoring you, or stonewalling you, you need to understand that this isn’t a defensive posture on his or her part; he or she is verbally abusing you. That’s not okay.

2. Rationalizing or Excusing Other People’s Repetitive Bad Behavior. If this is you, then you have to ask yourself what is keeping you in this holding pattern. Is it fear of loss or something else? Why are you unwilling to recognize and confront someone’s mistreatment of you? These are key questions to ask, and if you can’t answer them, seeking the help of a gifted therapist will be a game-changer.

3. Excusing or Rationalizing Your Own Bad Behavior. Again, there is a real difference between crossing the line into verbal abuse when you’re angry or frustrated (and, hopefully, sincerely apologizing for having lost it), and feeling that you are entitled to say whatever you feel like, whenever you like. This is especially important if you are a parent and you are telling yourself that “I wouldn’t have yelled if he/she had listened in the first place,” or other excuses that wrongly minimize verbal abuse and its effect on children.

The only way we can hold others accountable for their behaviors is by being accountable for our own.

4. Deciding Not to Try Something Because You’re Afraid of Failing. We’re not talking about skipping out on something you don’t have the skill set for but about challenges and goals that might make your life better if the fear of failure had not stopped you dead in your tracks. In their research, psychologists Andrew J. Elliott and Todd Thrash explained that some people are “approach-oriented” while others are “avoidance-oriented.” Mind you, like amoebae, humans approach good things (food) and avoid danger and pain (fire). But to the approach-oriented, climbing a mountain looks like a challenge whereas to the avoidance-oriented, what’s top of mind is avoiding failure.

If you were raised by folks who demanded success and mocked failure, the chances are good you avoid challenges at all costs. If your family of origin saw the occasional bellyflop as part of striving, you are probably looking at that mountain and devising a plan.

No one likes failing. But understanding how fear of failure motivates your choices and actions can be a game-changer.

5. Not Being Able to Think about a Misstep Without Devolving into Self-Criticism. There’s a huge difference between being able to revisit a mistake you’ve made calmly and being able to Monday-morning quarterback what you might have done differently or better and melting into a cascade of self-blame and beating yourself up.

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You are providing the superglue that will keep you stuck if you don’t counter the habit of self-criticism. That is an important recognition.

6. Looking Over Your Shoulder to See What Others Are Doing. This is a lesson my own unloving mother inadvertently taught me since she was always obsessed with what other people had and achieved, and how their actions reflected on her. She was eternally jealous and dissatisfied.

This isn’t to say that we can’t learn and grow from seeing how other people achieve or handle situations; we can. But the person you need to be focused on is you, not some imaginary competitor. Life isn’t a race, no matter what they told you in gym class.

The observations in this post are drawn from my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life.

Copyright© by Peg Streep 2023.

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