Reassessing Your Long-Held Beliefs

I recently had a chance to revisit my French host family, whom I lived with for six months while in college. While I was very excited to see them, I was also worried about being there with my husband. Back in 1987, I was still closeted, and I remember overhearing homophobic conversations amongst my conservative host family.

Happily, their views have evolved since my stay. It turns out that they have a gay grandson, and had to face the choice of being accepting of him and his boyfriend or losing their connection with him. “I couldn’t shut the door on my grandson,” my French mother explained.

So Steven and I were very warmly welcomed and treated as family.

At my nephew’s wedding the week before, I had noticed my own internalized homophobia rearing its unwelcome head. Straight weddings have historically been a bit of a minefield for me, a place of enforced heteronormativity, strong gender stereotypes, and exclusion of the non-heterosexually oriented. In such settings, I feel myself retreating towards invisibility. My social anxiety is fueled by the premise that if people know that I’m gay, they won’t like me.

However, my interactions at the wedding relayed just the opposite. Nearly everyone welcomed Steven and me with open arms and hearts. But, inside my head, I kept heeding the urge to retreat. Why was it easier to dwell in the pain of past rejection and condemnation rather than to live in the truth of present-moment acceptance?

It turns out that our most deeply held beliefs about ourselves are set up in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. Once established as a schema, they are resistant to change, even in the face of competing evidence. The self-stories that are associated with fear, survival, and trauma are especially resistant to change. Our brains prioritize sticks over carrots.

So I’m wondering how many instances of acceptance will it take to override my deeply held belief of being unacceptable? I can’t say, but I know I’m not there yet.

And you? What self-limiting schemas from your past are you still investing in today? How do those stories affect your behavior? How do they affect your happiness? How do they affect your relationships with others or your willingness to put yourself out in the world?

Steps for shifting deeply held beliefs

The first step in working with shifting your deeply held beliefs involves becoming aware of them. Without awareness, they keep chugging right along influencing your behavior under their unconscious, habitual steam.

When you notice these stories, you at first may want to deny them or avoid thinking of them. This, of course, doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it allows their unwanted influence to remain under the radar. Accepting these stories makes it easier for you to work with them skillfully.

Finally, choice is only available to us in the present moment. Thus, in moments when you notice the option of either believing the old, self-limiting story or going with the truth of what’s happening now, you can go with what’s happening now. Over time, we learn to pay more attention to the new story—though research suggests that the old stories are still there, albeit left to dustier, unvisited shelves of your mind that are harder to reach and less likely stumbled upon.