The Lasting Impact of Emotionally Unavailable Fathers

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"Why am I so hard to love?" Jackie, a 35-year-old lawyer asked as tears streamed down her face. She was going through a breakup with a guy she had been with for three years. She found out recently that he had been cheating on her for the past year, and he broke up with her to be with the other woman.

Jackie told me she would do anything for him when they were together. She always put him ahead of herself and was there for him through thick and thin.

"I was such a good partner to him, how could he do this to me?" she asked between sobs.

Jackie explained that her now ex-boyfriend wasn't always able to be there for her in return. "He had a lot of trauma," she explained. Jackie had felt distance between them during their relationship, as though he had never fully let her in. It was hard for her to trust that he really loved her.

In addition, she was frequently disappointed by him, but she always forgave him. She knew things weren't perfect in their relationship, but she kept hoping he would do better in the future because there were times when things felt incredible between them. Plus, she loved him.

"I still love him….why am I such a doormat?" she asked.

Jackie shared that she hadn't had many serious relationships. She spent many years single and dating. She'd been ghosted, used, and disappointed too many times to count. The few relationships she'd been in ended similarly to this one, with her feeling like she gave everything she had to a man only to be abandoned in the end. She felt unlovable and worthless. She was terrified that she'd end up alone.

"Why does this keep happening to me?"

Soon we understood why she kept repeating the same cycle with men. It had nothing to do with her worth.

As we dove into her past, Jackie shared that her father had worked a lot and wasn't around much. He spent a lot of time with her brother when he was around. They watched sports together and did "guy stuff," as she put it.

Her father didn't show his emotions and was uncomfortable with hers, so she learned not to share much with him. Instead, she tried to please him by getting good grades and other achievements.

When I asked Jackie whether she felt loved by her dad, she said, "I know he loved me, but I wish he showed it more. That's just not how he was."

Jackie's father was emotionally unavailable. He didn't show interest in who she was or how she felt; he didn't give her love and care when she was hurt. He didn't show up in ways that allowed for a connection between them; he didn't express emotions to her. He was rarely present when he was around; he didn't make her feel seen or loved unconditionally. And he didn't show her she could trust him; he showed her she couldn't.

Daughters who grow up with emotionally unavailable or absent fathers don't get their emotional and relational needs met. In such situations, children don't think, Wow, my dad is emotionally unavailable. They think, What's wrong with me that my dad doesn't love me? They blame themselves.

Often, they try to earn their father's love by being "good" or through their achievements. They try not to have too many feelings or needs. They avoid making waves or being a "problem." Of course, all of this is done unconsciously when they are children. It's not until they grow up that they can begin to understand why they are the way they are.

When they grow up, daughters of emotionally unavailable or absent fathers struggle in their relationships with men. The following is a list of ways those early wounds show up in their adult relationships:

1. Low self-esteem. They experienced their father's emotional unavailability as rejection. They don't believe they're good enough and deserving of love as they are. They choose men who won't meet their needs and repeatedly disappoint them. They think the men would treat them better if they were more lovable. That's what they thought as children about their fathers, too. In truth, the men they choose don't treat them better because they're incapable of it, as were their fathers.

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2. Fear of abandonment. Their father's lack of presence is a form of abandonment. As adults in relationships, they do things unconsciously to push their partner away before they can be left. However, they don't realize they're doing it, so they feel abandoned all over again.

3. Neediness. They may push someone away by being overly needy, never feeling that they can get enough from the other person to feel their needs have been met. Eventually, the person feels that they don't have more to give, and the relationship ends.

4. Choosing emotionally unavailable men. Or, they choose men who are emotionally unavailable or distant. They try not to have many needs, but even the few they have aren't met.

3. Trust issues. They struggle to trust men because their first and most important relationship with a male wasn't safe and secure for them. They find ways to test their partner's love. They avoid being too vulnerable.

4. Trying to earn love. They do everything for their partner, believing that that is how they'll get the love they want. They put themselves last, don't set boundaries, and don't expect the same in return.

5. Attaching too quickly or unable to commit. They want to be loved so badly, but they don't know how to receive that love because they didn't grow up learning. Receiving love is a skill. As a result, they attach quickly to an emotionally unavailable man who will never give them the love they want. Or, they won't commit to someone who can give them love because they don't have the skills to receive it yet. They're often not attracted to men who are emotionally available and who want to love them and be with them.

6. Using sex to affirm their worth. They have sex to feel worthy and as an attachment behavior. In addition, when they have sex it is performative and intended to please their partner. They do that hoping they will earn the love they so badly want. Allowing their sexual needs to be met is too uncomfortable.

7. They crave attention from men. They're often overly flirtatious, and getting attention from men makes them feel good about themselves. However, the boost they get from the attention doesn't last long.

8. Putting men on a pedestal. They see a man they like in a far greater light than is realistic. They see them in black and white, usually all positive, discounting the person's flaws or problematic behavior.

9. Not attracted to nice guys. They want love from someone like their father, who couldn't give it. They're trying to heal their childhood wounds by going for emotionally unavailable men who don't treat them well and trying to get them to change and love them. Unconsciously, that's how they think they could heal their wounds. But that never happens. Until they heal enough to realize they were never responsible for their father's lack of emotional availability, they won't be attracted to nice guys who can love them well.

It's important to recognize how emotionally unavailable fathers impact their daughters, because the wounds are significant. Those who struggle in their adult relationships should know it's not their fault, nor is it their fault that their fathers didn't do better.

It's also important to know that healing is possible. One doesn't have to spend a lifetime struggling in relationships. Healthy relational skills can be learned and practiced. Trauma can be processed. New insights and new awareness can develop. With work in therapy, daughters of emotionally unavailable fathers can create healthy, loving relationships that are better than anything they can imagine.