Verified by 
Key points
- Some adult children tragically struggle to achieve independence and establish themselves in the adult world.
- Fear of failure can overtake adult children when they lack the ability to regulate emotions and problem-solve.
- Parents can exert a powerful influence on struggling adult children, depending on how they respond.
"Failure to launch" refers to a situation in which adult children struggle to achieve independence and establish themselves in the adult world. The story below is an amalgam of scenarios I've heard from parents whom I have coached on better managing their struggling adult children.
Ethan's Story
Ethan is a 27-year-old man who has been living at home with his parents on and off since attending one semester of college when he was 18; he has been unable to sustain employment since. Ethan has a history of significant social anxiety. He started using and prioritizing marijuana during high school, and insists, "It's the only thing that chills me out."
Ethan had twice begun therapy, only to stop after two or three sessions. Sadly, he has severed most social ties and spends most of his time in his room, playing video games, and often sleeps during the day. Ethan's parents feel frustrated and anxious that he remains in their house without a job. His rebuttal is "I don't want some jerk of a boss telling me what to do."
His parents felt sorry for Ethan and expressed to me the belief that he was unable to cope with life’s challenges. Attempts to deny Ethan the ability to remain in their house backfired when he became angry and distraught. In one instance, he bordered on becoming physically aggressive, for which he later apologized. Ethan's parents feel trapped and believe their actions have only made things worse. Ethan expresses his disappointment with life and occasionally has made suicidal statements.
Why Tumultuous Adolescence Seems Endless for Some Young Adults
There can be various explanations for the plight of young adults with similar struggles. It's important to note that each adult child's situation is unique. However, based on my experience working with parents, three common reasons include:
1. Fear of Failure and Perfectionism
Struggling adult children may fear failure to the point of avoiding taking risks or making decisions. The pressure to be perfect can paralyze them, preventing them from taking necessary steps toward independence. This fear can be instilled by factors including societal expectations and parental pressures.
For struggling adult children, fear of failure stops them from learning what I believe are the two most important skills in life: calming down and problem-solving. These two life skills are so important because when you can regulate your emotions and begin to look for ways to deal with problems, you can let go of that misleading need for perfectionism.
2. Overparenting or Helicopter Parenting
Parents who continue to intervene in their children's lives, making decisions for them and shielding them from challenges, can hinder the development of essential life skills. This can result in a lack of resilience and problem-solving abilities for adult children faced with real-world challenges. Not every adult child who struggles has been overly indulged. At the same time, perhaps the examples below may seem familiar to you.
More often than not, I have seen parents problematically say:
- I'll help you just this one time. ["One time" means ongoing.]
- I think you should do this: ______. [Jumping in to problem-solve for, not with, the adult child.]
- I'm really disappointed in your choices but let me give you _____to take care of this. Don't let it happen again.
More empowering and collaborative responses that imbue calming down and problem-solving are:
- I can see how this is a really tough situation, I'm here to be a sounding board for you.
- There is a part of me that wants to try to take care of this for you, but I know you will feel better about yourself by working through this challenge. Please know I love you and believe in you.
- You may have forgotten all the other difficulties you have faced. I know you can get through this. And we both know that my helping you will best be based on what you do for yourself and not what you feel I owe you.
3. Lack of Financial Literacy
A lot of young adults who are adrift may not have a basic understanding of budgeting, saving, investing, or managing credit. Without these skills, they may struggle to handle finances effectively, leading to dependence on their parents.
I believe that one cannot have strong mental health without having strong financial health. By financial health, I do not mean wealth, but rather knowing the value of a dollar.
Final Thoughts
It's essential to recognize that these reasons are often interconnected and that individual cases may involve a combination of factors. Additionally, external factors such as economic conditions, job markets, and societal expectations can also play a role in a young adult's ability to launch successfully. Addressing these challenges may involve a combination of emotional support, education, and fostering independence in a supportive environment.
© Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Facebook/LinkedIn image: ArtOfPhotos/Shutterstock
References
Asselmann, E., Beesdo-Baum, K. (2015). Predictors of the Course of Anxiety Disorders in Adolescents and Young Adults. Curr Psychiatry Rep 17, 7 https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-014-0543z
Covarrubias, R., Valle, I., Laiduc, G., & Azmitia, M. (2019). “You Never Become Fully Independent”: Family Roles and Independence in First-Generation College Students. Journal of Adolescent Research, 34(4), 381-410. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558418788402s
Lowe, K., & Arnett, J. J. (2020). Failure to Grow Up, Failure to Pay? Parents’ View of Conflict Over Money With Their Emerging Adults. Journal of Family Issues, 41(3), 359-382. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X19876061
