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Hillary Clinton has recently said that she is not Bill, referring to a natural charm that he has that she doesn’t. It’s nice for her to be candid about that, but it just seems like another case of “the lady doth protest (or defend herself) too much.”
Bill’s charm and smarts (not unlike JFK’s) resulted in people both wanting to and needing to hear from him. Hillary’s dilemma is that she is smart and speaks about what people need and want, but her style causes people to not want her.
The reason for that is that Hillary has a case of fearful aggression. Fearful aggression is well known to dog trainers and occurs when a dog is scared, it growls. It is a natural instinct and needs to be trained out of them or else they’ll never win “best of show.”
Hillary needs the same training.
You might ask, “What is Hillary afraid of?” Like many women who are mothers and wives, especially of driven charismatic husbands, she is used to telling people she cares about what is good for them (including husbands and teens), what can make their lives better, but something they don’t want to hear and push back against.
Furthermore, such husbands and children do not go gently in their reluctance to hear what is good for them from a wife or a mom. Instead they often scowl, become sullen, yell or in this increasingly vulgar world, retort with: “Leave me the f--- alone!” or “Get off my f—king back!”
No wonder that Hillary like many millions of wives/mothers become uptight before they open their mouths. There is actually a neurological and physiological basis for this. Every time they have something to say that the other person needs to hear, but doesn’t want to it triggers a burst of cortisol in these women which is the stress and “uptight” hormone.
Furthermore, when this happens a part of their middle brain called the amygdala that serves as an emotional sentinel and if is signals the brain that it is in danger will hijack the person from remaining calm and centered and throws them into a “fight of flight” survival mode. If they can’t flee (as men who just shut down demonstrating passive aggression), the remaining “fight” option can turn into a shrill voice.
A big part of Trump’s power over other people is that he causes amygdala hijacks in anyone he cares to.
When that happens reporters and previously Jeb Bush are like deers in the headlights and smile in a way that thinly covers their desire to eviscerate him, but can't because that would cause them to look out of control. On the other hand Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio come off with a male version of shrillness that doesn't make them look particularly strong while Ben Carson just looked out of it.
So what is Hillary to do about her fearful aggression turned shrill?
I hope the following story will help.
Many years ago I appeared on Donahue as the pre-eminent expert in the world on helping divorced couples get back together again and live happily ever after with something called Recoupling Therapy that I developed. It was my first TV appearance and because of my own case of fearfulness had not ever watched his show ahead of time. It wasn’t arrogance on my part. Being a very shy introvert, I became increasing anxious after I agreed to be on the show and didn’t want to see it ahead of time for fear that I would see how out of my element I was and risk having my anxiety turn into panic.
When the show went on, I was seated on stage with several couples (not any of my own patients) who had recoupled successfully. After five segments, Donahue had still not called on me and it wasn’t my style to scream out or interrupt people when they were talking.
As the show progressed the audience kept say to Donahue during the commercials, “What about the doctor?” Every much the showman and controlling figure of his show, Donahue kept retorting in an irritated voice, “We’ll get to the doctor!”
It finally came down to the last segment and I still hadn’t spoken and then Donahue called on me in very direct and someone confrontational manner. That triggered an amygdala hijack and fearful aggression in me and I blurted out something glib and sarcastic whereupon Donahue masterfully spun what I said in a way that caused the very large audience to “boo” me. How’s that for your first taste of being in the media? To compound that after the show, the producer who booked me came over to me to tell me how much I had disappointed her.
I vowed to never go back into the media again and to instead remain in my safe little office providing therapy and giving counsel to patients and couples about how to live better in the world, when I didn’t know how to.
Six months passed and I think my “nothing but ego hurting” trauma (I mean it wasn’t like dealing with the suicidal or dying patients that were my specialty) settled down and I received a call to appear on Oprah, in the second year of her show, to again be the Recoupling expert on a show that would also feature divorced couples who had gotten back together.
I was excited about doing the show… until I arrived at the studio. I then had a “déjà vu” and thought, “It’s going to happen again! Why did I agree to this?” My life certainly didn’t flash before me, but my someone traumatic experience on Donahue did.
As I was being mic’d on stage with three “recoupled” couples, I stared out at the audience who were looking at me intently. I immediately thought back to Donahue and that they were judging me and looking for me to pontificate, be long winded or make a fool of myself. Then one of the people adjusting my mic, whispered to me, “Dr. Goulston, everyone in the audience is divorced and unhappy about it.”
I was startled and said, “What?”
And they repeated, “Yes, everyone in the audience is divorced and unhappy about it.”
I then looked back at the audience who had not changed the way they were looking at me. But it did change the way I looked at them. I realized they weren’t looking at me to make a fool out of myself or offend them, they were looking at me intently because they wanted me to help them.
It completely changed my demeanor and instead of saying something defensive or sarcastic or passive aggressive, I viewed them as hurt children who needed to be talked with and reassured and given hope.
Not only did the show go well, it went so well that Oprah gave me the gift of her respect by asking me questions as the closing credits ran instead of speaking to any of the couples.
So Hillary, here’s your takeaway.
When you look at crowds and see them as primed to push back, perhaps as Bill and Chelsea might have done when you told them something they didn’t want to hear, realize that your supporters are not looking to judge you. Instead -- and like my appearance on Oprah -- imagine your supporters as looking for you to help them. That means there is no need to become shrill. All you need to do is talk to and with them as you might on a career day to inner city elementary school children who you’re trying to give hope to for a future they can have that they think is impossible.
You can do this Hillary.
All you have to believe is that your supporters believe you, believe in you, like you and if you let them, they even want to love you.
If you could accept all of those, especially that you are likable and lovable, you would relax, you'd smile, you'd exude an easy confidence and walk differently in this world... and you'd get elected.
